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How things work out.

Interesting day; mundane post. Apologies up front.

Today: I worked, I met up with Parker & Kial for lunch and had a lovely time, I worked out, I napped, I led a meeting, I came home, and I blogged. Er, am blogging. Whatever. Epiphanies were also had, and choices may be in motion.

Read on:


I've realized in the last few days that it may really be time I start moving on from the store I've been working at and maybe from retail in general. (NO WAY!!! REALLY!?! what a twist.)

I've discovered while working at Macy's how much happier I am with a set, stable schedule. I feel like I can rely on my day to day energy level and effort and motivation and productivity better. I feel less freaked out about getting to or from work because it's the same things at the same times--habits, even--that get me there day after day. My life just feels so much more anchored and orderly and unflustering than it is when my schedule is all kindsa erratic. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's people generally, but, speaking for myself at least, this really seems to be a more comfortable, manageable way to live.

I don't know what this will mean, specifically, except that I will probably start looking for jobs with more defined, established schedule-type-things.

I doubt I will, at this time anyway, entirely give up on my store--there're still lessons to be learned and fun to be had--I just don't want to be as dependent on it as I have been. Right now, my life more or less revolves around it. It is (excepting these few weeks I will have worked at Macy's) my sole source of income; whether I take on extra shifts or don't get called in can vastly alter the size of my paycheck. Right now, it stakes out my whole week; I do not know from week to week if I will be able to go do that particular thing I like doing with my friends or whether I will be indentured at work for the evening. Right now, it owns my soul; I've handed over my self-esteem, my time, my purpose in life, and in so doing have erased boundaries and objectivity in my decision-making process at work.

Knowing this--or feeling as strongly as I've come to feel about this stuff for the time being--I don't necessarily feel any maddening rush. Naturally, the sooner the fucking better, but frankly it's given me a sense of ease, one could even say "stillness". I feel like what will come to be will come to be, and I don't need to go rushing rashly into anything as an escape from this horrible present.

Things seem clearer--that's it, I think. If only slightly, there seems to be less of that terrible murkiness clouding my perspective. I think that's why I feel relieved. I may not know exactly what I want to do next, but I have an idea what I'm looking for and that has helped me see the sorts of things that can help me find it. So no more of this rabbit-on-the-run feeling.

This took form in the last day or so as I talked to my friends and family about it. Imagine that; talking. To other people. About what's in my head. And, to a greater than lesser extent, listening to their advice, their impressions,--heaven forbid--their suggestions.

And you know something? I think it's kinda helped :)
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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