palmerpink

Since I thought of a title for this post, I've kept thinking of that Radiohead song--"The Tourist"--and its refrain . Hey man, slow down. Lord knows I need to. For one, this last week has been crazy as hell. Like, "whoa, that's fucking crazy". Most of the week I worked mad hours into the night helping to get the store ready for Black Friday. One night, I started at 6pm and got out at 8am; I got to bed at 9:30 that morning and rolled outta bed around noon so I could be back at the store by 3pm; I got out that night at 3am. I think (?) I had a day off--oh, right, Thanksgiving! sigh.--before Black Friday. I got to the mall at 10pm Thursday night and didn't leave until 10pm Friday. Yup. 24 hours. So, what with the wack hours and sleeplessness, most of last week seemed to rush past me. I hardly spent any time with my grandmother and thanksgiving was simply a large meal between naps before work. I don't feel like that was particularly fair to anyon...

So I have 3 jobs now. It's gonna get intense--especially this week with Black Friday looming monolithically. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm doing this to myself, but I'm sure I've got a plan. So as many of you have inferred, I've been working at American Eagle Outfitters for over a year. Though it's been tough at times, it's still fun, and I've learned a lot. Then I picked up visual merchandising gig at Macy's, it was short term, but it was fun and different. It led to job #2: I've been picked up to do recovery & replenishment at Macy's. It's something I had to get good as well as fast at doing at AE, so frankly the actual tasking isn't so hard as the figuring out what to fix up and keeping up my stamina/focus. Then job 3 came along, half outta nowhere. Parker works over at PacSun as a keyholder/assistant manager (whoo! :D), and now our friend Jeremiah manages the store. People from my AE have flocked to our mall...

Yeah it's been a long bit since I posted, hasn't it? I've been working 20hrs a week at Macy's doing visual merchandising (it's still pretty sweet even if im exhausted from bad sleep habits), going to continue at AE at least for the short/medium term, but still polishing up my resume. I'll prolly be at AE through the holidays but I'd still rather it not be my only job/source of (fucking meager) income. I've been having some really awesome sexual revelations recently. You can bet your sweet little ass I am gonna prolly dedicate a proper post to that soon ish. I've continued feeling a bit agitated, however I feel like I have more options (?). I wont say "control" because that's part of the problem, I think. I think either my inner demands to have everything a certain way or my recurring frustration when some things never seem to change or my feelings of powerlessness about some things I just don't have any power over....something i...

Interesting day; mundane post. Apologies up front. Today: I worked, I met up with Parker & Kial for lunch and had a lovely time, I worked out, I napped, I led a meeting, I came home, and I blogged. Er, am blogging. Whatever. Epiphanies were also had, and choices may be in motion. Read on:

I had a real long talk with my manager yesterday. It was good--overdue but grown up. It left me feeling the need to change how I act and treat myself. Shit's gonna get serious, bitches. Or so I hope. So, after the conversation, I was kinda pissed at myself. Possibly--hopefully--a good kinda pissed. And I think I came away having learned some important shit. I hope I can keep these lessons present in mind as they're as relevant as they are significant.

So I've been working this parttime gig at Macy's. Visual merchandising--from 8 to 1, which means I have to get up pretty goddamn early. I did pretty well today; I'm just about used to this sleep schedule. I was outta bed around 6:30, maaan....nuts. The rest of the week was a bit mixed: some days I ran late (only hadda get a ride from mom once) other days roughly on time. Today I was running early and so that was heartening. I really like working here so far--and not entirely because I'm getting paid more and have a moderately substantial number of hours. the work is good, even paced, and I feel appreciated. I do really well with that. I like getting some positive feedback overall; it doesn't need to be fawning or worshipful. Like my manager has tested me sayingthey things like "thank you for the hard work" or "you did well on the garlands, im grateful for your help". But we can discuss why I like that so much later. Right now I'm almost...

My store had its holiday floorset this past weekend; the last 2 nights/days were a hellish, chaotic mass of stress and physical exertion. It was probably my 10th floorset, at least, but this time I couldn't help getting extremely frustrated and surly towards the end. I love my store and can't deny having contemplated some kinda management role from the very beginning. I like coordinating people, and recently I've wanted to hold people accountable for things like tasking pace. But as exciting as that could be, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore. Naturally, it can be a long process to become a manager, but I'm aiming to get the seasonal shift lead position at my store this holiday season. Essentially it's a temporary key holder position meant to help with the extended hours and rise in traffic. It can also lead to further management positions. While this is a perfectly exciting possibility, it will be stressful. Hopefully I can figure out how to k...

No, I'm not here to slaughter you, your family, or your eyes with this post. But maybe your family's eyes. Hm. I just needa kill some time before calling my job back to see if they need me for my call in. Apparently the line is busy. Gasp! Other people! Using my job's phone! BLASPHEMY! In other news, this lady made my day yesterday. I was signing her up for an AERewards card, and she marveled at how fast I was typing. Like a good couple times. And then she asked, "Are you are writer or something??" To which I beamed, "Why, yes I am." Then added, "I also use a typewriter for drafting." She gasped at this. Apparently I brought back some PTSD type memories of writing term papers on typewriters back in the 19__'s. Still though, it was pretty awesome :D

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who offered help, showed support, and otherwise responded so warmly to Sunday's post about Cali . I've continued doing what I can to make things as easy and pleasant for her. Today I figured out how to give her both of her meds--the bluey liquid stuff and the half pill. (It was the pill that was tough to figure out...cat owners will probably know what I'm talking about.) In the last day or so, I've been partly heartened by people's feedback, but mostly by improvement she's shown--however marginal. She seems to be responding well to the meds (and the TLC :-) ); she's actually been eating and getting perkier. She's taken to sleeping on my pillow next to my head while I sleep. This morning when I got up, she did part of her little flirty-thing--where she gives you these eyes and then rolls over with a chortle. I almost melted: it was so encouraging & heartwarming to see she  isn't just a shell, a wor...

We luv da Parkerz Happy (almost) one year anniversary! That's right--we met for the first tine after last year's pride parade. Ah, memories.

I was literally on my way to work when I wrote most of this post: I don't much like my post from the other day. It's in that whole category of rambly, unnecessary, even tedious posts. Surely redundant, too. But beside that (and the high school esque tone of its platitudes) it was a good effort overall, I suppose. I've caused myself a lot of frustration at work recently, and it's good I'm trying to do something about it--and something generally responsible at that. And what's also great is I feel I have been making progress at work. I think I'm getting my game back; my general effort and performance particularly has improved. Out of 8 transactions the other night I got 2 people to apply for credit cards. That shit ain't easy. It helps that I'm praying again. I almost hadn't noticed i'd lapsed, but it feels nice to get back into it. They're still modest little prayers, and I'm still praying to Walt (Whitman), but it helps some, I th...

So I variously fessed up to my managers that I felt I'd been slacking off at work recently. It felt really good to get it off my chest, even as they scolded/judged/otherwise sighed. It was tough. I don't like revealing moments of weakness--especially to authority figures (whom I invariably look up to, desperately). I don't like giving people the chance to think less of me. What's kinda funny is how my standards for myself are at least as high if not higher than my managers' expectations for me. That's all well and good (I guess....) but the moment I catch myself slacking or opting for the less tedious routine, those high standards come back to bite me in the ass and just demotivate & demoralize me. And then I start despairing--I've lost the confidence to even try again and it only gets tougher. It just came to a point where I didn't feel like "hiding" it anymore. See, I can be all too good at spinning bullshit just right so people ne...

I hate being sick. Like, really hate it. I think half of my frustration is being physically unable to rise to an occasion or push myself when needed. Like at work yesterday. I've caught myself slacking on the job recently as so I've been making an effort to really up my game. Except that yesterday I was hit by the insta-cold from hell. Runny nose, leaden head, sneezing & coughing, queasiness. Tired, achey. Grumpy and irritable. I was not a happy camper. And it made upping my game on a day as important as yesterday that much harder. See, with the holiday sale combined with recent efforts on our part to draw in more customers, we've been totally ballin this week. I think I did fairly well overall, but it was frustrating that I simply wasn't as up for it, physically, as I wanted. Of course pushing my limits/comfort zone wasn't going to be easy, but it shouldn't have been that hard. So I just really hate feeling sick. The whole gamut of it. The gross...

What a weird, almost dissociative weekend. Rocky, floorset, and angst, and no twitter to joke/complain about it on. How the fuck did I survive that? Well, good news is my twitter's no longer suspended! That was an awful 4 or 6 days, guys. Don't ever take your twitter for granted. It's more important to you than you know, and you won't have anyone to tell that to (well, no one who'll care half as much as the twitterverse). Rocky was pretty badass, guys. I MC'd Friday night--and did fabulously :) Apparently I went on for 25 minutes, but neither I nor my cohosts remember it that way, which is just plain weird. Oh well, I had fun and did great and if I went on too long I'll just have to be quicker in the future. No biggie :) I also held the house left spotlight and played Crim, and pretty typical and fun combination as far as I'm concerned. I hadn't played Crim in a while though. Good times :) Saturday I was dropped in as a Tranny/prop person. ...

so I took a nasty spill on my bike yesterday. I sprained my wrist (i hope...). i;m heading down  to the local emergency clinic in a few to find out what's up and what to do. funny part: so i was supposed to do 4 hours of shipment at AE today. that's basically sensoring & folding a couple hundred clothes. not happening, not with this wrist--i can't even open ziplock bags. my manager's cool with it, i  just need to find someone to cover me. so the funny part: she texts me last night "be sure to get a note from your doctor". XD

Ugh, where the F! did these allergies come from? >.< It's stuffing up my head and everything. So Parker and I worked extra late last night at AE. Manager's back from vacation and was kinda apalled at the state of the store. Apparently Parker & I are trusted to fix such things :) I guess that's good at least; sucks that we hadda have a setback like that during the week of our store's audit. Yesterday I officially started playing (?) foursquare . Goddamn, I'm just shoring up my life with soul-stealing extraneity. I discoverd that most of Wheaton apparently isn't on foursquare. I kind of wanna explore & conquer. I mean.......conquer. Oh, so last week! I led a meeting :) It was my first time, and I was kinda freaked out about it, but it went really well :) I chose "insanity in sobriety" for the topic, partly because I'm working the 2nd step (allegedly, at least >.<) and because I've been very aware of my crazy the last few...

Why am I on here? Seriously. I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow to open at AE. So why am I still up? Insolence? Defiance? Meh. I'm just that bored.

So I'm taking Parker's shift at AE since I got him sick. Also becauses I desperately need the hours. I've been so freaked out since I got that statement from Sallie Mae; I owe them a lot . It has me scared all over again, just as I thought I'd begun to figure out all that money shit. At this point I'm probably going to get a forebearance on the Sallie Mae stuff and consolidate the other 50 loans and try to get those payments graduated or some such. I want to pay of  some of these loans. I'd feel too irresponsible otherwise. So I'm gonna do some quickish workout then head in early; maybe call up Sallie Mae and get some concrete facts. Hm...... ...aaaand, sigh. I'm so tensed up over this. Sighfucksigh. Money scares the shit out of me, and here it's complicated by being in several different loans and to multiple institutions. So it's a lot  and hard to keep track of >.< I guess now's a good time for what they call "spiritu...

I hate allergies. Especially when they don't respond to such things as (over the counter) claritin. Bugger. So I've already begun tomorrow's Bad Movie Monday review. I've watched it twice, looking for answers, inspiration, insight...and found little if any of them. It's a really pathetic movie but I think I can do something interesting with my review. I took notes. Mmm. I will say it's a drugsploitation movie, or tried to be. So this really meant there was a buttload of titties. I kept having to ask Parker, my straight roomie, things like "So, is this what tits look like?" "Is that normal ?" "Would those be considered 'hot tits'?" etc. Thank God I had him or I'd have been so confused. Yay for the gay. Kk, I needa go pretend to get ready for work. And hope these allergies/congestion/whatever clears up by the time I actually have to clock in. Or it's gonna be a looong afternoon.

It's a pathetic equation, to be sure, but so much of my life has been derailed by it. I've been kinda down all week and didn't even realize it until at earliest Wednesday evening. Typically, I've been avoiding taking care of a whole gamut of responsibilities. Today I figured out what's got me down. Money.