palmerpink

Lord knows I really want to rant right now; I've been angrier, sure, and I've felt more hurt, but the temptation is there to tear into this guy. But I'm supposed to be a grown up. He's supposed to be my friend--and I do care about that. I'm not supposed to even be taking these things so seriously anymore. So why the fuck am I? So I was dating a guy recently; we had four dates. I thought we were really starting to click. I'll admit it--I'd even begun to like the guy. Not quite like-like him, but there was a definite fondness growing. As I was learning more about him, I was liking what I learned more and more. We seemed to have chemistry, too. It was pretty nice how I could talk about smart stuff with him without either a) feeling like I was supposed to be talking down to him or b) feeling like he had to challenge me to a contest of who was the smartest fuck in the room. It was natural, intelligent, fun conversation. And that was really cool. I was defin...

Yeah, I'm one of those guys who's never really been with someone around Valentine's. I am sometimes baffled how other people manage these things--and why I can't. To be fair, it's probably as much my not trying enough and trying too hard as it is anything pariticularly wrong with me. Like, I know I don't get myself out there enough to meet guys and when I do it's probably compensatory and usually flawed from the start. The other question is--why does it matter so much to me? Evidently it seems like something I want but something I'm scared of, too. It may also be something I'm just not very good at. I'm secretly timid and fearful of most confrontation and directness. For all my communication skills, I always seem to chicken out when it comes to talking to guys in a healthy, sustaining way. I'm a dreamer who wants something nice badly enough to stick to something for the concept of having it more than the reality of dealing with it; I want t...

Interesting day; mundane post. Apologies up front. Today: I worked, I met up with Parker & Kial for lunch and had a lovely time, I worked out, I napped, I led a meeting, I came home, and I blogged. Er, am blogging. Whatever. Epiphanies were also had, and choices may be in motion. Read on:

I had a real long talk with my manager yesterday. It was good--overdue but grown up. It left me feeling the need to change how I act and treat myself. Shit's gonna get serious, bitches. Or so I hope. So, after the conversation, I was kinda pissed at myself. Possibly--hopefully--a good kinda pissed. And I think I came away having learned some important shit. I hope I can keep these lessons present in mind as they're as relevant as they are significant.

So, I'm about to call the sponsor. See, I was running on pure self-will yesterday and ended up playing recluse almost all day. Besides not picking up my paycheck, this meant I didn't to my therapy appointment or meet with my sponsor. Nor did I let either person know I was breaking that commitment. I'm a grownup. So anyways, calling the sponsor in a few minutes. { Hums a funeral march, maybe Chopin or Beethoven .} Of course it's not (likely to be) that serious. I "know" this. But you must realize the way my diseased little brain works.

I just got a write-up third hand on ADHD and negative thoughts. I'd read things like it before, but this one by Beth Main, CAC , an ADHD coach, gave me pause for thought. And an idea for a blogpost. Cuz I'm a cheap bastard like that :D I've long had problems with getting stuck in infinite loops of negativity. Joy. There have been bunches of reasons for it over the years, but I'd never known it was actually a symptom of ADHD. Specifically, they're called ruminations , and are apparently quite a common symptom. In the write-up, Beth gave some suggestions on how to break the rumination cycle. I thought I'd take a moment to mention a few in a personalized context and maybe add one or two of my own. Journal. I do journal (when I can find my damn journal....), but obviously I also blog. A lot. When shit gets to buggin' me, I sometimes blog about it. I've tried this for many years but with recent developments this has turned into something of an actually...

Ugh, I did say I was gonna do this, didn't I? Part of me would rather be...well I don't have anything else I could be doing, I guess. Well, yes, I do, but who actually wants to do laundry? I could at least be writing about that thing...or this other... Fine. Resolutions.

This isn't easy. Neither starting a new blog nor blogging about what I want to blog about today. Naturally, the two are linked, obnoxiously, so I might as well be up front. About 6 months ago I entered Alcoholics Anonymous (o0o0o0o!!). It's a long and strange and somewhat odd story of how I got there and why I've stayed with it, but those who know me well will probably understand & agree, and that's all that matters for the moment. As you can imagine, I'm not too upset about breaking my own anonymity; I hope to provide reflections and musings and ramblings on these and many, many other themes & topics (just you wait--one day I'll start on Doctor Who and not be able to stop!) primarily for my own benefit as well as any family, friends, and acquaintances interested. (That was a very long sentence; let's hope we can keep this post short >.<) I've started this new blog for a couple of reasons. One, the strongly alcoholic themes of both of ...