This isn't easy. Neither starting a new blog nor blogging about what I want to blog about today. Naturally, the two are linked, obnoxiously, so I might as well be up front. About 6 months ago I entered Alcoholics Anonymous (o0o0o0o!!). It's a long and strange and somewhat odd story of how I got there and why I've stayed with it, but those who know me well will probably understand & agree, and that's all that matters for the moment. As you can imagine, I'm not too upset about breaking my own anonymity; I hope to provide reflections and musings and ramblings on these and many, many other themes & topics (just you wait--one day I'll start on Doctor Who and not be able to stop!) primarily for my own benefit as well as any family, friends, and acquaintances interested.
(That was a very long sentence; let's hope we can keep this post short >.<)
I've started this new blog for a couple of reasons. One, the strongly alcoholic themes of both of my old blogs--both the hideously neglected (but flagrantly alcoholic) http://bourbonite.blogspot.com and the more subtly questionable http://chrispalmer0000.xanga.com/ (hint: look at the header; I made that pic myself). In the case of the latter, it's also all the ancient, painful, shameful, hurtful history I'd hope to outgrow and move past as I venture deeper into sobriety. Ex boyfriends; late, frenetically melancholic nights; viciously self-sabotaging thoughts & behavior; moping, whining, ranting, cursing, spiteful posts; deeply, nauseatingly victimizing talk; and so on. None of it terribly healthy or sober when it was bad; when it was good, I think it was better in those regards and mostly biographically relevant & amusing (I maintained that blog off and on for 6 years or so), but even still.... It's all stuff I'd like to move on from that era of my life, to part with and cherish it for what it was--my inglorious and priceless past. I think it's time.
(remind me sometime to dork out on how this blog's name is relevant to all this; for that matter remind me to dork out on the blog's name, period.)
Today is also a very special day, for a good many reasons. It's fast approaching on the "anniversary" of when I realized I dig dudes not girls. That was a biggie. Memorial Day Weekend became a yearly time for mediation and reflection and self-insight, largely by coincidence though still partly by my own efforts, too, I'll admit. For example, it was when I realized I needed to just let go of a bitterly, heartbreakingly fruitless crush that had been tormenting me for the second half of my high school career; and simple as that, I began to let it go bit by bit. And now, this 7th Memorial Day Weekend period is my new sobriety date.
It's a long, foolish story that involves using legitimately prescribed medication against prescription to, ultimately, illegitimate ends. I'll probably discuss it in more depth another time as it was actually a major milestone in my recovery, but for now I'll leave that inadequate summary suffice. Meanwhile, I went back and forth for a month or so on whether to reset my date or what to do instead if I didn't..... (Really, just majorly one way, then majorly the opposite, then finally back to the original plan.) It was on my 6 month exactly that it occurred to me how woefully, desperately dishonest I was being with myself, my sponsor, and everyone else in keeping my old date and drumming up some saccharine rationalization for it. Further, I realized how dishonest my program, as a whole, had been. I knew what I had to do, but it took talking to my friend Kevin D. to get me sorted & committed about it.
I realize Memorial Day Weekend is this coming weekend, and also that its exact dates change every year. The former is somewhat unusual apparently; usually one's sobriety date is black & white--"when was my first day without a drink?"--and naturally in the past as a result, not the future usually.... However, as I've already explained, it's a special time for me, my serious, purposeful "me-time" when, whether I plan to or like it or not, I end up meditating seriously and finding some new epiphany regarding my troubles & worries, some new insight--however subtle--into myself and my values. This all seems delightfully compatible with one's sobriety date to me.
Somehow, I got it locked into my mind that this special anniversary of mine fell on May 25; not sure why or wherefore (nevermind wherefrom), and I might someday bother with looking up the exact date of that first one (the gay one, lawlz), but ah well.... For now this--the 25th--serves me well enough. And so it's my new sobriety date.
And so, this long, dreadfully dull post is concluded XD
(That was a very long sentence; let's hope we can keep this post short >.<)
I've started this new blog for a couple of reasons. One, the strongly alcoholic themes of both of my old blogs--both the hideously neglected (but flagrantly alcoholic) http://bourbonite.blogspot.com and the more subtly questionable http://chrispalmer0000.xanga.com/ (hint: look at the header; I made that pic myself). In the case of the latter, it's also all the ancient, painful, shameful, hurtful history I'd hope to outgrow and move past as I venture deeper into sobriety. Ex boyfriends; late, frenetically melancholic nights; viciously self-sabotaging thoughts & behavior; moping, whining, ranting, cursing, spiteful posts; deeply, nauseatingly victimizing talk; and so on. None of it terribly healthy or sober when it was bad; when it was good, I think it was better in those regards and mostly biographically relevant & amusing (I maintained that blog off and on for 6 years or so), but even still.... It's all stuff I'd like to move on from that era of my life, to part with and cherish it for what it was--my inglorious and priceless past. I think it's time.
(remind me sometime to dork out on how this blog's name is relevant to all this; for that matter remind me to dork out on the blog's name, period.)
Today is also a very special day, for a good many reasons. It's fast approaching on the "anniversary" of when I realized I dig dudes not girls. That was a biggie. Memorial Day Weekend became a yearly time for mediation and reflection and self-insight, largely by coincidence though still partly by my own efforts, too, I'll admit. For example, it was when I realized I needed to just let go of a bitterly, heartbreakingly fruitless crush that had been tormenting me for the second half of my high school career; and simple as that, I began to let it go bit by bit. And now, this 7th Memorial Day Weekend period is my new sobriety date.
It's a long, foolish story that involves using legitimately prescribed medication against prescription to, ultimately, illegitimate ends. I'll probably discuss it in more depth another time as it was actually a major milestone in my recovery, but for now I'll leave that inadequate summary suffice. Meanwhile, I went back and forth for a month or so on whether to reset my date or what to do instead if I didn't..... (Really, just majorly one way, then majorly the opposite, then finally back to the original plan.) It was on my 6 month exactly that it occurred to me how woefully, desperately dishonest I was being with myself, my sponsor, and everyone else in keeping my old date and drumming up some saccharine rationalization for it. Further, I realized how dishonest my program, as a whole, had been. I knew what I had to do, but it took talking to my friend Kevin D. to get me sorted & committed about it.
I realize Memorial Day Weekend is this coming weekend, and also that its exact dates change every year. The former is somewhat unusual apparently; usually one's sobriety date is black & white--"when was my first day without a drink?"--and naturally in the past as a result, not the future usually.... However, as I've already explained, it's a special time for me, my serious, purposeful "me-time" when, whether I plan to or like it or not, I end up meditating seriously and finding some new epiphany regarding my troubles & worries, some new insight--however subtle--into myself and my values. This all seems delightfully compatible with one's sobriety date to me.
Somehow, I got it locked into my mind that this special anniversary of mine fell on May 25; not sure why or wherefore (nevermind wherefrom), and I might someday bother with looking up the exact date of that first one (the gay one, lawlz), but ah well.... For now this--the 25th--serves me well enough. And so it's my new sobriety date.
And so, this long, dreadfully dull post is concluded XD
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