palmerpink

Bit by bit, day by day, my big appointment draws nearer. I'm going up to Philly on Friday to see some specialists, two of the best available, and find out exactly what's coming next. Surgery? Surveillance? Chemo? As I've said before, most likely it'll be surgery. The big scary one. With the slicing my whole belly open and lifting of organs and snipping out of a dozen little lymph nodes all nestled up against my aorta and vena cava. Yeah, that one. From what I'm seeing, if we go that route I'll probably be off from work for as few as two or as many as three months, more likely the three. I should be okay though; as I said these are two of the best guys around. So of course what's actually  worrying me is far more...trivial. I'm trying to coordinate with my current urologist's office to send all the reports and results and other records they have for me up to the Philly guys. I'm worried things are going to be left out and we'll waste ti...

My right testicle is pregnant with twins. The abortion is Wednesday. In other words, I have cancer. You have no idea how badly I've been wanting to say that. "My balls got an ultrasound." It's hilarious. I was giggling inside even as I saw what is likely a pair of germ cell tumors snuggled up inside one of m'boys. More on that in a bit. We've scheduled the surgery for next Wednesday. I'll be off my feet for a couple weeks and further recovering for another couple. Of course the timing is terrible. Things were finally starting to fall into place. I'm working at a restaurant these days, some nights making more than I'd make for a whole week's labor at the store I was at before. At the end of this month I finally move out of my parents and closer to campus. I was about to start up yoga and swimming again in an effort to get toned and sexy again. School hadn't killed me; I managed all A's for the semester. I was also gearing up to pur...

Every time I struggle with something, it seems to always boil down to the same thing: that initiating moment, that starting point. Some stupid mental block I've put in my own way keeps me from beginning  and it stresses me out. Case in point, the topic of last night's blogpost . The funny thing is more often than not I'm perfectly capable of whatever the task is, I'm just too panicked to give it a go. A therapist once described it this way: it's like I imagine my comfort zone to be very, very small, when in fact it's actually quite a bit larger. 'Who knows  what could happen if I try this? Anything could happen--and that's scary.' The result? Plenty of things I'm perfectly capable of doing but perfectly scared of trying. This is the sort of thing I've prayed about from time to time; it usually helps, I should probably get back into it. It's rarely anything fancy--usually invoking Walt Whitman for moral support of some kind--but it...

It feels like just last Thursday I was gearing up to bail on retail. I was so many kinds of over it. The surly customers, the daily goals, the shitty & unsteady hours, the barely above minimum wage pay. And now...now I've committed to a dimension of retail I could not have foreseen and would not have guessed. Certainly not last year when I came into this mad, fun, frenetic world of customers and sales, nor last month when I was so eager to wash my hands of it. But I am getting ahead of myself--and dangerously florid. So this whole turn of events began back in mid-October when I inherited a part time position in visuals at Macy's from Parker. It was a pretty sweet gig, though short term. The excellent pay, stable hours, and manageable workload spoiled me some and, as it came to an end, that's what pushed me to such a breaking point with retail as a whole. Simply put, I wanted to keep getting that kinda money with a nice steady schedule and, having realized such thi...

Or Moby Dick . Cuz I probably am one. I have been for a while if that's the case, but it wasn't until yesterday that I was actually called out on it in all seriousness. And although I probably deserved it--and do and plenty more occasions, too--I'm still struggling with it somehow. Here's the context: @palmerpink : I mean, I can't really blame @THEHermanCain for sexually assaulting Bialek--she *is* kinda a cougar afterall http://usat.ly/ugxL24 #badfag @Dondurma : @palmerpink Maybe you think you're being hilarious. There is no question that you're an asshole, and an unfunny one at that. @palmerpink : @Dondurma I wholeheartedly agree, actually. Because why shouldn't I? As I said, I probably deserved this, but it also comes with the territory of being an asshole. Of course, that somebody could actually not like me is disquieting. Part of me was bothered every bit as much as the rest of me laughed it off. That part of me wanted to reply additionally w...

Yeah it's been a long bit since I posted, hasn't it? I've been working 20hrs a week at Macy's doing visual merchandising (it's still pretty sweet even if im exhausted from bad sleep habits), going to continue at AE at least for the short/medium term, but still polishing up my resume. I'll prolly be at AE through the holidays but I'd still rather it not be my only job/source of (fucking meager) income. I've been having some really awesome sexual revelations recently. You can bet your sweet little ass I am gonna prolly dedicate a proper post to that soon ish. I've continued feeling a bit agitated, however I feel like I have more options (?). I wont say "control" because that's part of the problem, I think. I think either my inner demands to have everything a certain way or my recurring frustration when some things never seem to change or my feelings of powerlessness about some things I just don't have any power over....something i...

Interesting day; mundane post. Apologies up front. Today: I worked, I met up with Parker & Kial for lunch and had a lovely time, I worked out, I napped, I led a meeting, I came home, and I blogged. Er, am blogging. Whatever. Epiphanies were also had, and choices may be in motion. Read on:

I feel less accomplished than I kinda expected to feel. Some of the chores weren't as doable as we'd hoped, and I spent less time writing/thinking than I'd hoped. But oddly I'm not exactly disappointed by it. It's nice just being here (how Hallmark....). But, seriously, I think I managed to get in some good relaxation time, and even if I haven't reached any ULTIMATE CONCLUSIONS on the things that've been on my mind, I've managed at least a bit of thinking I doubt I'd otherwise have found time/space for. I also got to spend some precious quality time with my grandmother; Lord, I love that lady :) It's nice to spend some time with her, one on one, and know she's doing well, yeh? Yeh :) Anyway, I'm strangely tired-ish again; I may rest some more. Fml, man; nothing 's gonna get done. But I may actually be okay with that....

My store had its holiday floorset this past weekend; the last 2 nights/days were a hellish, chaotic mass of stress and physical exertion. It was probably my 10th floorset, at least, but this time I couldn't help getting extremely frustrated and surly towards the end. I love my store and can't deny having contemplated some kinda management role from the very beginning. I like coordinating people, and recently I've wanted to hold people accountable for things like tasking pace. But as exciting as that could be, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore. Naturally, it can be a long process to become a manager, but I'm aiming to get the seasonal shift lead position at my store this holiday season. Essentially it's a temporary key holder position meant to help with the extended hours and rise in traffic. It can also lead to further management positions. While this is a perfectly exciting possibility, it will be stressful. Hopefully I can figure out how to k...

Of sorts, I suppose. I wonder if anyone else is as tired of my saying/blogging things like "I've been a bit down recently..." or "I haven't been doing as much ___ recently" or "I'm not sure what's the matter...". Hmwell. It's true, though; I've been malaisey the last week or so. One weird thing is, if intermittently, I've been  actually working on that whole loan consolidation I've mentioned needing to do for the last year. Like, I'd say the forms are  actually about 80% done. It's probably still contributed to the recent downiness. Forms--for all their eventual straightforwardness--can outright overwhelm me conceptually. All the various bits that need knowing & doing. Not to mention it reminds me of this whole sticky mess of debt I've got, which, despite this consolidation putting some serious & badly needed reins on, still feels out of control and terrifying. So, naturally, instead of workin...

I feel like yesterday's post was one of the ones I frequently regret posting.  Rambly, dark-ish, disheveled about, unimportant....often simple enough concepts I seem incapable of leaving be--but must complicate, often obscenely. It's a frequent bad habit of mine, I guess. The way my brain is, I can't ever leave anything "simple enough". Given all the directions my brain goes in at once, it's a wonder I don't complicate some things even worse. A classic (ie. vintage) slogan in AA is "Keep It Simple."; I'd probably do well to remember that in my blogging. It might lead to shorter, clearer, more accessible posts. Like this one--I'd started it yesterday and was all set to launch into some kind of self-invective ramble. Going a bout trying to clarify and deride at once. Not a terribly pretty sight. And that'd probably have just be the  beginning . You know, the  simple part. Also worth keeping in mind: Not everything has to be a...

In good news, Parker and I are going up to New York for a weekend at the end of July. I'm kinda excited. I feel a bit like a grownup--putting aside money for the trip, talking about bus tickets, even looking up some things to check out while we're there. I do feel like a bit of a dick for leaving most of the planning up to Parker (and Mani), but then it really was his deal from the start. In other news, I'm becoming reacquainted with some old, familiar anxiety. And some more recently acquired ways of dealing with it.

I haven't even re-read my last post . It was an attempt to resolve or explain the resolutions I'd arrived at about the post before it . Of course I decide to write such an important, meaningful post when I'm literally falling asleep at the keyboard. Like, nodding off, sitting up, hands hitting random keys. Good timing, Chris. Well, I wanna (briefly) restate the good progress I was trying to convey in case, you know, that post turned incoherent or misleading in any way. From both posts, you can probably infer I was having some boy troubles. One crush in particular had caused me some serious heartache and frustration. It really sucked. What really sucked about it was how much it resembles all my other troubles with boys, just made more poignant by how long and how badly I've liked & respected this guy. I get to fantasizing, and not just sexually mind you, and I get so attached to those fantasies and hopes. I start reading into any sign they might be true--that w...

Or so they tell me. As I've written twice already how rough April is/how deeply I loathe it. Among the several or so reasons, one certainly centers on loneliness and longing. Boys, and their (apparent) disinterest/indifference. I've harbored a long-standing bitterness about this, too; resenting couples and their happiness especially as they frolic in the re-awakened flowers and warmth and hormones of Spring. It's been very frustrating. I hate feeling lonely almost as much as I hate sounding pathetic. In April, though, the latter's all but entirely overwhelmed by the former, and longing feeds bitterness, and resentment breeds surliness. Right now, I'm not particularly chasing anyone. Well, that's not entirely true. Among the guys I wish would notice me is one I've wanted ardently for a very long time. At this point, it's not some desperate, crazed yearning, but a friendship I very much wish were "more". It's turned figurative--h...

What a waste of a good title. Oh well, can you tell I'm nervous? I have an interview at Starbucks this afternoon (in under four hours from now, to be exact). Funnily enough, I'm somewhat less worried about the interview itself as what might happen when I get the job.

I should have gotten coffee before starting this post. My brain is dead. And i'm staring at a pair of thumbtacks sitting on my monitor's stand pointing at eachother with a piece of cat fluff behind them, and for some reason I can't get those buggers out of my head. Even long enough to come up with a decent title. It's been a weird week. Someday I'll get annoyed with myself for how often I say that. It's like some excuse to avoid having to actually describe my week, even when I know I invariably will. In and out and in and out and in and out--it's just like sex. I started noticing this week's off-ness when the same people would ask how I was doing, and I'd answer with the same stuff as I had last week. And we're not talking, like, I'd just gotten a habit of saying "the usual" in the past week; no, we're talking more I'm still facing the same problems I was last week  without having moved forward on any of them, really....

So I'm taking Parker's shift at AE since I got him sick. Also becauses I desperately need the hours. I've been so freaked out since I got that statement from Sallie Mae; I owe them a lot . It has me scared all over again, just as I thought I'd begun to figure out all that money shit. At this point I'm probably going to get a forebearance on the Sallie Mae stuff and consolidate the other 50 loans and try to get those payments graduated or some such. I want to pay of  some of these loans. I'd feel too irresponsible otherwise. So I'm gonna do some quickish workout then head in early; maybe call up Sallie Mae and get some concrete facts. Hm...... ...aaaand, sigh. I'm so tensed up over this. Sighfucksigh. Money scares the shit out of me, and here it's complicated by being in several different loans and to multiple institutions. So it's a lot  and hard to keep track of >.< I guess now's a good time for what they call "spiritu...

Well, I just had a moment. Well, a sorta moment. Fine, it was a moment. You happy? It was nothing special, even possibly something I'd realized before and forgotten. It was one of those things for which other people in the program might give me a polite smile, an understanding nod, and say "Jeez, you're finally catching on to that one?".

Wait, what was I supposed to be doing, again....? Showering? Vacuuming? Making myself a (healthy) dinner? Finishing the laundry? Stripping my bed and remaking it...? Getting my student loans consolidated.....? Oh, wait, that's right. I'm blogging.

I'm afraid I'm turning boring. I swear I was hanging out with a guy last week and the most impressive thing I could do was explain the subtleties of American Eagle's customer service policies. Today I meandered the internet aimlessly in search of porn and pointedly avoiding certain chores. I haven't watched Doctor Who since the Christmas special; and even besides that I've let my catching up on old Doctor episodes fall by the wayside. I feel like the only thing I do besides work and meetings is sleep. And jackoff. And blog. That might make me a little more interesting. What's frustrating is today I had a choice. I realized it in all its plainness and choiceyness. I could either take right action or nap. I napped. The good news is it's getting harder to resist facing that choice. Something in me is changing. I just wish I didn't feel so boring while I wait for it to happen.