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Success.

Of sorts, I suppose.

I wonder if anyone else is as tired of my saying/blogging things like "I've been a bit down recently..." or "I haven't been doing as much ___ recently" or "I'm not sure what's the matter...". Hmwell.

It's true, though; I've been malaisey the last week or so.

One weird thing is, if intermittently, I've been actually working on that whole loan consolidation I've mentioned needing to do for the last year. Like, I'd say the forms are actually about 80% done.

It's probably still contributed to the recent downiness. Forms--for all their eventual straightforwardness--can outright overwhelm me conceptually. All the various bits that need knowing & doing. Not to mention it reminds me of this whole sticky mess of debt I've got, which, despite this consolidation putting some serious & badly needed reins on, still feels out of control and terrifying.

So, naturally, instead of working on the loan stuff or looking for jobs or working out or drafting the poem, I've been binging on naps and porn and computer games. They're all so much easier to handle (or seem to be...), even if in giving in to the temptations I'm inevitably giving myself over entirely for some indefinite hunk of my day.


But I'm struck by the sense of satisfaction when I do work on these things--the loans, the poetry, the workouts. Specifically, I think, it's satisfaction in actually doing what I say I'm going to do. Usually that "eludes" me--ie, usually I say it just to make myself feel better, to reassure myself that I might actually be a responsible person, to stop the worrying if only for a moment (for that's all the time it takes for some indecent temptation to step in...)--but, if occasionally, I've actually followed up on what I've said I was going to do.

And that feels pretty awesome. In addition to the feelings of relief from dealing with problem X or acknowledging trouble Y, it feels so grown up, so responsible. Which isn't something I often permit myself to feel, apparently.

That's something I seem to be getting better at. At the least, trying and taking pride in it. Hopefully I can manage to remember how much better it feels to do the things I want or need to do than it feels having avoided doing them--however briefly, shamefully gratifying the Avoiding felt.

Yeah. Let's keep trying. Things seem to go so much better when I do.
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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