palmerpink

Of sorts, I suppose. I wonder if anyone else is as tired of my saying/blogging things like "I've been a bit down recently..." or "I haven't been doing as much ___ recently" or "I'm not sure what's the matter...". Hmwell. It's true, though; I've been malaisey the last week or so. One weird thing is, if intermittently, I've been  actually working on that whole loan consolidation I've mentioned needing to do for the last year. Like, I'd say the forms are  actually about 80% done. It's probably still contributed to the recent downiness. Forms--for all their eventual straightforwardness--can outright overwhelm me conceptually. All the various bits that need knowing & doing. Not to mention it reminds me of this whole sticky mess of debt I've got, which, despite this consolidation putting some serious & badly needed reins on, still feels out of control and terrifying. So, naturally, instead of workin...

So I've come to the sobering realization that I do desperately need a second job. Sigh. That's gonna require me to go a'huntin for jobs again. It's also gonna mean that, once I get said job, I'll have less free time to laze about, jerk off, and otherwise waste my time blissfully. It's funny--that's actually among my biggest causes for apprehension. I guard my free time like some paranoiac; it's  mine , it's  my right. But besides that, I so often find myself tired and worn out and burning out on my one job, so how the fuck am I gonna do a second job?! It's kinda like before, too, where I was scared to get my (current) job because I was so scared of failing. Here, I already have a job, it causes me stress and fatigue, so now I'm worried that not only will I struggle at the second job, but that its added stress & fatigue will fuck me over at the first  and second job. :\ All the same, it should be noted that in becoming less wholly...

I should have gotten coffee before starting this post. My brain is dead. And i'm staring at a pair of thumbtacks sitting on my monitor's stand pointing at eachother with a piece of cat fluff behind them, and for some reason I can't get those buggers out of my head. Even long enough to come up with a decent title. It's been a weird week. Someday I'll get annoyed with myself for how often I say that. It's like some excuse to avoid having to actually describe my week, even when I know I invariably will. In and out and in and out and in and out--it's just like sex. I started noticing this week's off-ness when the same people would ask how I was doing, and I'd answer with the same stuff as I had last week. And we're not talking, like, I'd just gotten a habit of saying "the usual" in the past week; no, we're talking more I'm still facing the same problems I was last week  without having moved forward on any of them, really....

So I'm taking Parker's shift at AE since I got him sick. Also becauses I desperately need the hours. I've been so freaked out since I got that statement from Sallie Mae; I owe them a lot . It has me scared all over again, just as I thought I'd begun to figure out all that money shit. At this point I'm probably going to get a forebearance on the Sallie Mae stuff and consolidate the other 50 loans and try to get those payments graduated or some such. I want to pay of  some of these loans. I'd feel too irresponsible otherwise. So I'm gonna do some quickish workout then head in early; maybe call up Sallie Mae and get some concrete facts. Hm...... ...aaaand, sigh. I'm so tensed up over this. Sighfucksigh. Money scares the shit out of me, and here it's complicated by being in several different loans and to multiple institutions. So it's a lot  and hard to keep track of >.< I guess now's a good time for what they call "spiritu...

Well, I just had a moment. Well, a sorta moment. Fine, it was a moment. You happy? It was nothing special, even possibly something I'd realized before and forgotten. It was one of those things for which other people in the program might give me a polite smile, an understanding nod, and say "Jeez, you're finally catching on to that one?".

'Allo, Duckies.... Sorry I've been absent; I'm sure it's been brutal on you all. All three of you who read this, lawl. I've been working my ass off at work (I'll have something like 31 or 32 hours this week by the end of Saturday...) to cull together enough change to make these loan payments (with maybe a bit to spare to get some lucky few some cheap ass gifts or something). I've also been lazing off/avoidancing in my spare time. But mostly working. I haven't completely avoided my loan shit this particular week, just.... putting it off. Goddamnit. I even know it'd be so much easier to just deal with it now or two weeks ago than to accrue anymore late payments/bad credit, but money just terrifies me :( Well, I believe Dad and I're gonna take down these payment bastards tonight after work. My hope is he'll lend me the money necessary to eliminate this round of payments and their corresponding late fees, etc, and then I'll pay him...

Uh, oh--another Radiohead mood.... But seriously, things have a kinda slowed-down-feeling. Not that I want to let them slow down--not that I'm going to let them slow down--just that that's how they feel. It's odd.

>.< I'm not sure how today'll work out, but today's "Bad Movie Mondays" post may be posted as early as tonight but possibly tomorrow. I have been working on; notes have been taken, plans have been made, sentences have been composed (somewhat) in my mind. Just...some unexpected business/messiness came up and it'll have to take priority for the now. See, I finally manned up and did the math on those student loans/wages business that had me so freaked out last week . You know how things are supposed to get easier once you face'em? At the least, turn out not as awful as you'd feared? Yeah, ironically, the numbers I crunched turned out worse than I'd been anticipating. I can't help wondering if this could have been avoided. The severity of the ick, that is. You know, if I'd manned up/faced the messiness sooner.... *sigh*