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Thumbtacks.

I should have gotten coffee before starting this post. My brain is dead. And i'm staring at a pair of thumbtacks sitting on my monitor's stand pointing at eachother with a piece of cat fluff behind them, and for some reason I can't get those buggers out of my head. Even long enough to come up with a decent title.
It's been a weird week. Someday I'll get annoyed with myself for how often I say that. It's like some excuse to avoid having to actually describe my week, even when I know I invariably will.

In and out and in and out and in and out--it's just like sex.
I started noticing this week's off-ness when the same people would ask how I was doing, and I'd answer with the same stuff as I had last week. And we're not talking, like, I'd just gotten a habit of saying "the usual" in the past week; no, we're talking more I'm still facing the same problems I was last week without having moved forward on any of them, really. That was both a frustrating and enlightening realization.

I've continued dodging those third step moments. Something's up in my head. I don't know what but it's bugging me--but, of course, hardly enough to warrant a change in behavior. Heaven forbid.

Someone said at a meeting the other day how the hardest part of the third step is remembering you've made a decision. I see that as meaning it's hard to remember to follow through, to continue following through, on the decision. And that's a lot of where I've been.

Someone else said at a different meeting that the problem with self-will is it feels good at first but when it catches up with you it's already too late. I certainly hope it's not too late, but I can definitely relate to it feeling good at first. It feels good to go nap off an afternoon instead of filling out forbearance forms for Sallie-Mae or worrying about resumes & job applications. It feels good to jerk off instead of tackling the living mess that is my room. It's just so easy to let time melt by blogging away instead of making my bed or putting up that towel rack for mom, even though I know that should have less priority than either of those things.

Part of my problem is I'm so good at giving myself over to self will without much thought--perhaps even avoiding thought.

Life is hard, and complicated. It worries me--living. Taking care of myself. Figuring out how things are done. I want it all to be so perfect. I want it all to mean so much. I want people to notice me and say "hey, that kid's pretty damn cool". But all of that's beyond me, and so even the simpler stuff starts to look so difficult. And the moment even a little bit of worry seeps in, my self-will steps up to 'take care of it'.
grainy, for effect.
And then shit doesn't get done. And a week later I have the same problems and little to show for it except "it's been a weird week...".
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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