palmerpink

One of my greatest areas of weakness the last few forevers or so has been discipline. No, I've not been a naughty boy. (Well, maybe a bit.) Rather, I've been struggling with things like setting limits and follow through. But all is not hopeless. Although for some reason I'm loathe to admit it, I have made progress over the last few...weeks or months, depending how you gauge it. Last week, for example, I was powerfully tempted to stay out all night partying for Halloween, but instead I went home because it was a work night and because doing so would save me $40. It was tough, and I felt powerful stupid and lame on my walk back to the station, but I set a limit and stuck to it. This week, I similarly wanted to go out with friends but instead stayed in and started investigating health and dental insurance for next year. (Nothing conclusive, but progress was made.) I prioritized something important and responsible, and did my best to follow through. This all sounds chi...

Isn't it great when you find out the name of some odd idea you put together but couldn't quite explain? no? maybe? Ok. Well, I discovered the names of some of the philosophical positions I've taken of late and have been working from in developing the theories I've been putting together. Last time I mentioned how I'd given up on needing free will and such; this came from my assuming determinism is true. I talk more about that another day as I already knew what that was called. One of the positions I found out about the other day is existential nihilism . This idea derives from, if roughly, from the existential premise that there are no essential properties, that existence precedes essence and such. It basically says there is no meaning. I had mostly figured that that part of the positions I'm working from was related to existentialism, so I won't talk much about that today, but it is important. Possibly. The term that was new was mereological nihilism ...

There's a strong chance we can altogether avoid that big scary second surgery ! That's the summary of my doctor's visit in Philly yesterday. I'll go back to see the oncologist guy on August 4 (though they're trying to move it up in case I do need the surgery for various harmless reasons). There's debate about the RPLND surgery as despite its complexity and seriousness, it often turns out to be unnecessary is as many as 75 to 80% of cases. In fact, most European doctors opt for chemo instead. The general alternative is observation and surveilance; the bloodwork and cat scans I'd have to do, like, monthly for some number of years. The big worry if chemo is involved at any point instead of surgery is the possibility of chemo-resistant tumors showing up later on, necessitating that RPLND surgery afterall. Apparently this is the better option for me. The results of bloodwork and CAT scan show pretty much zero indication of even microtumors or anything in my l...

I've blogged a couple times now about my efforts to build some routines into my life. I think getting myself to do my chores and stuff will get easier when it's part of a routine versus just free floating. It's all still a work in progress, massively so, but I'm experimenting with different setups to see what feels right. Some are just making time and space in my day to do things I would or should do normally--showering, brushing teeth, etc. Other things take me out of my usual behavior and don't have to be done--doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making my bed, etc. I imagine normal people have no trouble with this stuff. But I'm both forgetful and avoidant. As soon as I'm out of bed, I'm liable to forget it all but entirely, leaving it unmade and rushing off to whatever's next. Even if I remember it or see it or think of it throughout the day, I consciously choose not to remake it. I suppose it feels tedious or distracting or something. Wh...

So we're all moved in and pretty settled. Marcel is doing great though clearly starting to jones for the great outdoors, but that issue is still subject to debate. I've managed to strip down my objects and belongings so while I still have "a lot of stuff", it's a lot less than it was. My room is a room I can live in, and it's pretty awesome. My room. Still a work in progress but I'd say 94% there at least. There you go, that's my room. Still not quite full settled, but it's almost there. I need to get a real rolly chair, for one, and to hang my white/bulletin board. You can see my dual monitors going on, some of my knickknacks unobtrusively placed, and even my beautifully made bed. Yeah, that's a thing I do now. The drawers on top of the desk (upper right corner), which probably won't look like drawers to you, are from my glorious little writing desk; it's leg was breaking so my mom is fixing it. I even had my first friend over ...

As I posted yesterday, I've been trying to get a handle on doing chores and such. To that end, and others, I've been trying to build up routines and structure to help me remember and complete these chores. For example, I've taken charge of the kitchen. One routine I'm trying to build is 'closing up' the kitchen at the end of night. I go through and load the dishwasher, wipe down the counters and stove and stuff, and then even wet swiffer the floor. It feels really good when I finish all that, dude, I love it. Of course I'm still not great at consistency . Like, I forgot last night. And some other night, too, I think the one before. So routines are still a work in progress for me. Other routines I'd like to develop include setting up and going through my to-do list for the day; a weekly laundry and bed making thing; and some manner of getting up early to shower, write, and workout before the rest of the day gets underway. Some of these are falling i...

So I've been trying to keep myself useful of late. The other day I started working with an ADD coach to get my shit together and start making & goals for myself and develop routines. Even before that, since moving in to the new place, I've been trying to keep busy with practical projects. A lot of it was "unpack clothes" or "throw out junk" or "stow tubberware" and such. Most of that's done now, so I'm having to find other chores and motivate myself to do them. Tricky business cuz I'm a lazy ass by nature. I seem to live by "If I can avoid doing it, then it's not worth doing". I mean, it's not that  explicitly expressed in my reasoning, but that's kind of what it boils down to. So where my to-do list was all like "unpack office stuff for desk" or "put away clothes" now it's all "find driving school" or "pay for school", arguably more important tasks but also more ...

Mornings are a very dangerous time. At least, that's what I've found. For me a simple poor morning choice or two can decide the quality and satisfaction of the rest of the day. It's nuts, but it's been hard to counteract so far. I'm sure this is in my top three most redundant and boring post topics, but alas it's what's on my mind today. I'll try to post about something more interesting later on--you know, like, about plants or something. I'll focus on days off since they're the most dramatic example, and today we're not interested in the ordinary. So, whether I end up spending a day doing laundry and working out and other gratifying things/chores or whether I waste it sleeping and masturbating and internetting mindlessly seems to come down to what commitments I make in the AM hours. Like, today, I slept in a bit, sure, but then I decided to do things. Like blog and check on bills and drink coffee and workout. Likely I'll continue w...

Needless to say, only a few of things I set out for myself to do Saturday actually got done/worked on. I'm not exactly surprised nor guilted, but something occurred to me this morning. Part of my problem is, and has always been, putting enjoyments before responsibilities instead of earning them through responsible decisions & progress. Like, that night last week where I did all that laundry and polished my shoes and felt kinda normal; when I made the to-do list at work that day I committed myself to accomplishing most or all of it before I could even touch  my computer. I decided that I would have to earn the right to goof off on the computer by taking care of (long overdue) chores. And it actually worked. Heck, I wasn't even worrying too much about all the computer game playing time or masturbation I was missing out on while I did my laundry, and I hardly even worried about it after I was done, too. And most importantly: a very large amount of my laundry was actually ...

Of sorts, I suppose. I wonder if anyone else is as tired of my saying/blogging things like "I've been a bit down recently..." or "I haven't been doing as much ___ recently" or "I'm not sure what's the matter...". Hmwell. It's true, though; I've been malaisey the last week or so. One weird thing is, if intermittently, I've been  actually working on that whole loan consolidation I've mentioned needing to do for the last year. Like, I'd say the forms are  actually about 80% done. It's probably still contributed to the recent downiness. Forms--for all their eventual straightforwardness--can outright overwhelm me conceptually. All the various bits that need knowing & doing. Not to mention it reminds me of this whole sticky mess of debt I've got, which, despite this consolidation putting some serious & badly needed reins on, still feels out of control and terrifying. So, naturally, instead of workin...

So I've come to the sobering realization that I do desperately need a second job. Sigh. That's gonna require me to go a'huntin for jobs again. It's also gonna mean that, once I get said job, I'll have less free time to laze about, jerk off, and otherwise waste my time blissfully. It's funny--that's actually among my biggest causes for apprehension. I guard my free time like some paranoiac; it's  mine , it's  my right. But besides that, I so often find myself tired and worn out and burning out on my one job, so how the fuck am I gonna do a second job?! It's kinda like before, too, where I was scared to get my (current) job because I was so scared of failing. Here, I already have a job, it causes me stress and fatigue, so now I'm worried that not only will I struggle at the second job, but that its added stress & fatigue will fuck me over at the first  and second job. :\ All the same, it should be noted that in becoming less wholly...

So, despite that positive, proactive mood I mentioned the other day , I gave into some rude urges to be irresponsible last night. My Rocky Horror cast was having a meeting, and I'd even told them I'd be there. And then I didn't go. It started as just "going in late" and ended up "not going at all". This usually means something's up in my head. It's straight up avoidance, my favorite coping mechanism. Evasive action! There's usually some chain reaction of worry leading up to this kind of behavior. Sometimes big things, sometimes little, but essentially I'm trying to avoid having to feel anxious about something . I'm not sure what it was this time. I mean, I have a couple strong suspicions that I'm reluctant to admit to. There's the ever worrying money situation. Haven't moved forward with that loan consolidation in weeks. What's weird though is yesterday I actually did make some progress with it. Maybe that m...

So, I'm about to call the sponsor. See, I was running on pure self-will yesterday and ended up playing recluse almost all day. Besides not picking up my paycheck, this meant I didn't to my therapy appointment or meet with my sponsor. Nor did I let either person know I was breaking that commitment. I'm a grownup. So anyways, calling the sponsor in a few minutes. { Hums a funeral march, maybe Chopin or Beethoven .} Of course it's not (likely to be) that serious. I "know" this. But you must realize the way my diseased little brain works.

I should have gotten coffee before starting this post. My brain is dead. And i'm staring at a pair of thumbtacks sitting on my monitor's stand pointing at eachother with a piece of cat fluff behind them, and for some reason I can't get those buggers out of my head. Even long enough to come up with a decent title. It's been a weird week. Someday I'll get annoyed with myself for how often I say that. It's like some excuse to avoid having to actually describe my week, even when I know I invariably will. In and out and in and out and in and out--it's just like sex. I started noticing this week's off-ness when the same people would ask how I was doing, and I'd answer with the same stuff as I had last week. And we're not talking, like, I'd just gotten a habit of saying "the usual" in the past week; no, we're talking more I'm still facing the same problems I was last week  without having moved forward on any of them, really....

Ugh, I did say I was gonna do this, didn't I? Part of me would rather be...well I don't have anything else I could be doing, I guess. Well, yes, I do, but who actually wants to do laundry? I could at least be writing about that thing...or this other... Fine. Resolutions.

Uh, oh--another Radiohead mood.... But seriously, things have a kinda slowed-down-feeling. Not that I want to let them slow down--not that I'm going to let them slow down--just that that's how they feel. It's odd.

So at American Eagle, we're given something called "call-in" hours in addition to our regular work hours. They're basically like tentative work hours; we call in about an hour before they start to see if the store needs us and if so, we gotta be there or it's just like skipping a regular shift of work. Due to a few recent factors I've ended up working many of mine this week. And how.