So I've been trying to keep myself useful of late. The other day I started working with an ADD coach to get my shit together and start making & goals for myself and develop routines. Even before that, since moving in to the new place, I've been trying to keep busy with practical projects.
A lot of it was "unpack clothes" or "throw out junk" or "stow tubberware" and such. Most of that's done now, so I'm having to find other chores and motivate myself to do them. Tricky business cuz I'm a lazy ass by nature. I seem to live by "If I can avoid doing it, then it's not worth doing". I mean, it's not that explicitly expressed in my reasoning, but that's kind of what it boils down to.
So where my to-do list was all like "unpack office stuff for desk" or "put away clothes" now it's all "find driving school" or "pay for school", arguably more important tasks but also more nebulous and less immediate. I was tripping over the boxes of office stuff and hampers of clothes, so obviously they were always a fresh concern and kind of a nuisance. Paying for school? I mean, yeah, there's, like, a deadline for that thingy thing, but...I'm not literally tripping on it every minute.
So I'm trying to ramp up my accountability by emailing my ADD coach roughly daily with a progress report on my to-do list and thoughts about the success or trouble I'm finding in completing it. Of course, that itself is a task that might as well be on my to-do list, and be just as likely not to get finished, but it's better than nothing.
Because it's all about willfulness, as we'd call it in AA. Beside my inherent forgetfulness, there's a willful urging in me that's resisting certain tasks and chores and duties because they're less quietly indulgent and immediately gratifying than, say, video games or a nap or some masturbation.
So one thing I'm doing with my ADD coach is finding ways to make my chores also feel relevant and gratifying. So we're identifying what values they serve and why finishing them would be satisfying. Also, making a thing of checking my to-do list regularly to keep my tasks fresh in mind. Of course forgetting to check the list to keep from forgetting things is itself a risk here, but developing a habit of it could help.
All in all, I'm beginning to look more and more like an adult and it's terrifying. A sources of legitimate pride, too, I'm sure, but also scary. Because responsibility breeds like rabbits, and it's hard to keep up with it. But it does feel pretty good surveying everything you accomplished and knowing how much you achieved and how much less effort and bother it took than you expected. Cuz that's how it goes most of the time, at least for me; I worry about the tedium only to find out it's almost as mindlessly gratifying as if I'd gone and masturbated instead. Doing chores might not have the glow and high of a good cum about it, of course, but it's definitely got a long term utility that keeps on gratifying, if serendipitously and sometimes surprisingly, long after you've moved on.
A lot of it was "unpack clothes" or "throw out junk" or "stow tubberware" and such. Most of that's done now, so I'm having to find other chores and motivate myself to do them. Tricky business cuz I'm a lazy ass by nature. I seem to live by "If I can avoid doing it, then it's not worth doing". I mean, it's not that explicitly expressed in my reasoning, but that's kind of what it boils down to.
So where my to-do list was all like "unpack office stuff for desk" or "put away clothes" now it's all "find driving school" or "pay for school", arguably more important tasks but also more nebulous and less immediate. I was tripping over the boxes of office stuff and hampers of clothes, so obviously they were always a fresh concern and kind of a nuisance. Paying for school? I mean, yeah, there's, like, a deadline for that thingy thing, but...I'm not literally tripping on it every minute.
So I'm trying to ramp up my accountability by emailing my ADD coach roughly daily with a progress report on my to-do list and thoughts about the success or trouble I'm finding in completing it. Of course, that itself is a task that might as well be on my to-do list, and be just as likely not to get finished, but it's better than nothing.
Because it's all about willfulness, as we'd call it in AA. Beside my inherent forgetfulness, there's a willful urging in me that's resisting certain tasks and chores and duties because they're less quietly indulgent and immediately gratifying than, say, video games or a nap or some masturbation.
So one thing I'm doing with my ADD coach is finding ways to make my chores also feel relevant and gratifying. So we're identifying what values they serve and why finishing them would be satisfying. Also, making a thing of checking my to-do list regularly to keep my tasks fresh in mind. Of course forgetting to check the list to keep from forgetting things is itself a risk here, but developing a habit of it could help.
All in all, I'm beginning to look more and more like an adult and it's terrifying. A sources of legitimate pride, too, I'm sure, but also scary. Because responsibility breeds like rabbits, and it's hard to keep up with it. But it does feel pretty good surveying everything you accomplished and knowing how much you achieved and how much less effort and bother it took than you expected. Cuz that's how it goes most of the time, at least for me; I worry about the tedium only to find out it's almost as mindlessly gratifying as if I'd gone and masturbated instead. Doing chores might not have the glow and high of a good cum about it, of course, but it's definitely got a long term utility that keeps on gratifying, if serendipitously and sometimes surprisingly, long after you've moved on.
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