palmerpink

So I've been trying to keep myself useful of late. The other day I started working with an ADD coach to get my shit together and start making & goals for myself and develop routines. Even before that, since moving in to the new place, I've been trying to keep busy with practical projects. A lot of it was "unpack clothes" or "throw out junk" or "stow tubberware" and such. Most of that's done now, so I'm having to find other chores and motivate myself to do them. Tricky business cuz I'm a lazy ass by nature. I seem to live by "If I can avoid doing it, then it's not worth doing". I mean, it's not that  explicitly expressed in my reasoning, but that's kind of what it boils down to. So where my to-do list was all like "unpack office stuff for desk" or "put away clothes" now it's all "find driving school" or "pay for school", arguably more important tasks but also more ...

Needless to say, only a few of things I set out for myself to do Saturday actually got done/worked on. I'm not exactly surprised nor guilted, but something occurred to me this morning. Part of my problem is, and has always been, putting enjoyments before responsibilities instead of earning them through responsible decisions & progress. Like, that night last week where I did all that laundry and polished my shoes and felt kinda normal; when I made the to-do list at work that day I committed myself to accomplishing most or all of it before I could even touch  my computer. I decided that I would have to earn the right to goof off on the computer by taking care of (long overdue) chores. And it actually worked. Heck, I wasn't even worrying too much about all the computer game playing time or masturbation I was missing out on while I did my laundry, and I hardly even worried about it after I was done, too. And most importantly: a very large amount of my laundry was actually ...

Back in NYC. As lovely as ever, if a bit more confusing, but then that's mostly my own doing. See, I could catch a bus home tonight OR I could stay at my friend's place and catch a bus tomorrow. Seems simple--but naturally I cannot allow that to be!!