palmerpink

I've blogged a couple times now about my efforts to build some routines into my life. I think getting myself to do my chores and stuff will get easier when it's part of a routine versus just free floating. It's all still a work in progress, massively so, but I'm experimenting with different setups to see what feels right. Some are just making time and space in my day to do things I would or should do normally--showering, brushing teeth, etc. Other things take me out of my usual behavior and don't have to be done--doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making my bed, etc. I imagine normal people have no trouble with this stuff. But I'm both forgetful and avoidant. As soon as I'm out of bed, I'm liable to forget it all but entirely, leaving it unmade and rushing off to whatever's next. Even if I remember it or see it or think of it throughout the day, I consciously choose not to remake it. I suppose it feels tedious or distracting or something. Wh...

So I've been trying to keep myself useful of late. The other day I started working with an ADD coach to get my shit together and start making & goals for myself and develop routines. Even before that, since moving in to the new place, I've been trying to keep busy with practical projects. A lot of it was "unpack clothes" or "throw out junk" or "stow tubberware" and such. Most of that's done now, so I'm having to find other chores and motivate myself to do them. Tricky business cuz I'm a lazy ass by nature. I seem to live by "If I can avoid doing it, then it's not worth doing". I mean, it's not that  explicitly expressed in my reasoning, but that's kind of what it boils down to. So where my to-do list was all like "unpack office stuff for desk" or "put away clothes" now it's all "find driving school" or "pay for school", arguably more important tasks but also more ...

Needless to say, only a few of things I set out for myself to do Saturday actually got done/worked on. I'm not exactly surprised nor guilted, but something occurred to me this morning. Part of my problem is, and has always been, putting enjoyments before responsibilities instead of earning them through responsible decisions & progress. Like, that night last week where I did all that laundry and polished my shoes and felt kinda normal; when I made the to-do list at work that day I committed myself to accomplishing most or all of it before I could even touch  my computer. I decided that I would have to earn the right to goof off on the computer by taking care of (long overdue) chores. And it actually worked. Heck, I wasn't even worrying too much about all the computer game playing time or masturbation I was missing out on while I did my laundry, and I hardly even worried about it after I was done, too. And most importantly: a very large amount of my laundry was actually ...

I skipped work yesterday. There, I said it. I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't want to leave the house somehow. Or maybe I was sick of responsibilities. I'm sure some filaments of anxiety were woven into it. It was like a spinny angry mess in my head, but maybe less severe than that sounds. Much less severe, to be sure, than times past. Certain questions and hounding thoughts pressed on through the day. 'What am I doing with my life?' 'What happened to the things I love?' 'I don't want to do this anymore.' 'I'm never gonna move out of this place.' 'What do I really want?' Maybe, in staying home, I was hiding from these things. At home, in my room, in my bed, I have things--tried and true, however abused--to distract myself from my somewhat OCD like worrying. I have, at the least, a false sense of control. In those times past when my worrying and anxiety got really bad, I would hole up here, withdrawn from everything th...

Of sorts, I suppose. I wonder if anyone else is as tired of my saying/blogging things like "I've been a bit down recently..." or "I haven't been doing as much ___ recently" or "I'm not sure what's the matter...". Hmwell. It's true, though; I've been malaisey the last week or so. One weird thing is, if intermittently, I've been  actually working on that whole loan consolidation I've mentioned needing to do for the last year. Like, I'd say the forms are  actually about 80% done. It's probably still contributed to the recent downiness. Forms--for all their eventual straightforwardness--can outright overwhelm me conceptually. All the various bits that need knowing & doing. Not to mention it reminds me of this whole sticky mess of debt I've got, which, despite this consolidation putting some serious & badly needed reins on, still feels out of control and terrifying. So, naturally, instead of workin...

What a waste of a good title. Oh well, can you tell I'm nervous? I have an interview at Starbucks this afternoon (in under four hours from now, to be exact). Funnily enough, I'm somewhat less worried about the interview itself as what might happen when I get the job.

I'll have to remember that title; it's probably wasted on this. Or maybe--just maybe!--this'll actually be the last time I mess up like this! Yeah! So Friday I was supposed to meet with my sponsor. Somehow I also got in my head I was finally going to get my Learners Permit renewed. (Yeah, about that. Long story. Try to suspend judgment until I can get through this. Speaking of which, why is this so difficult? It can't just be the whole honesty thing. I've gotten plenty good at self-effacing honesty--humility, too, evidently. Unfocused? Maybe. Probably. Oh well.) Maybe it was that my sponsor wanted to slide our normal meeting time up a little; maybe it was that old familiar irrational nervousness about the MVA; maybe it was trying to plot out things in the evening time-line. Whatever it was, it all went down like dominoes. I "dodged" the MVA even after securing ride possibilities from my dad to simplify things. I didn't get in touch with my spons...

So, despite that positive, proactive mood I mentioned the other day , I gave into some rude urges to be irresponsible last night. My Rocky Horror cast was having a meeting, and I'd even told them I'd be there. And then I didn't go. It started as just "going in late" and ended up "not going at all". This usually means something's up in my head. It's straight up avoidance, my favorite coping mechanism. Evasive action! There's usually some chain reaction of worry leading up to this kind of behavior. Sometimes big things, sometimes little, but essentially I'm trying to avoid having to feel anxious about something . I'm not sure what it was this time. I mean, I have a couple strong suspicions that I'm reluctant to admit to. There's the ever worrying money situation. Haven't moved forward with that loan consolidation in weeks. What's weird though is yesterday I actually did make some progress with it. Maybe that m...

So, I'm about to call the sponsor. See, I was running on pure self-will yesterday and ended up playing recluse almost all day. Besides not picking up my paycheck, this meant I didn't to my therapy appointment or meet with my sponsor. Nor did I let either person know I was breaking that commitment. I'm a grownup. So anyways, calling the sponsor in a few minutes. { Hums a funeral march, maybe Chopin or Beethoven .} Of course it's not (likely to be) that serious. I "know" this. But you must realize the way my diseased little brain works.

Well, I just had a moment. Well, a sorta moment. Fine, it was a moment. You happy? It was nothing special, even possibly something I'd realized before and forgotten. It was one of those things for which other people in the program might give me a polite smile, an understanding nod, and say "Jeez, you're finally catching on to that one?".

It's kinda funny--the title of this post is itself an obscure reference to Doctor Who*. But, seriously, my dorktronic levels these last few weeks have been running dangerously high.... Besides watching Doctor Who (actually, less so than I've been known to...), I've really taken to watching/mocking bad movies (have you noticed?), both already MST3k'd and not. The other week I decided to switch over to Dvorak keyboard layout --in fact I'm trying to write this whole post with it as practice. The way I see it, the 3 biggest things I'll likely spend much of the rest of my life doing will involve lots of typing--writing, computering, and temping--and i can do without the repetitive strain injuries...yeah. I've also been fiddling with mah linuxes lots--I've put Linux Mint 9 LXDE on my laptop. Dunno if i'll keep it or go back to regular Linux Mint or try out the KDE flavor. Big winsauce though--ie monster dorktronics alert--I got Lubuntu working on an...