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Mess up, fess up.

I'll have to remember that title; it's probably wasted on this. Or maybe--just maybe!--this'll actually be the last time I mess up like this! Yeah!

So Friday I was supposed to meet with my sponsor. Somehow I also got in my head I was finally going to get my Learners Permit renewed. (Yeah, about that. Long story. Try to suspend judgment until I can get through this. Speaking of which, why is this so difficult? It can't just be the whole honesty thing. I've gotten plenty good at self-effacing honesty--humility, too, evidently. Unfocused? Maybe. Probably. Oh well.)

Maybe it was that my sponsor wanted to slide our normal meeting time up a little; maybe it was that old familiar irrational nervousness about the MVA; maybe it was trying to plot out things in the evening time-line. Whatever it was, it all went down like dominoes.

I "dodged" the MVA even after securing ride possibilities from my dad to simplify things. I didn't get in touch with my sponsor nevermind notify him I was skipping our meeting. And I slept--through the meeting I'd wanted to go to. And then I just felt shitty and egoistic; I didn't fess up to anyone even though I knew I needed to. I didn't want to deal with any of it. The squirreled up feelings or the guilt or the stupidness of it.

I still haven't called my sponsor. Poor guy, has to put up with this shit from me plenty enough, I'm sure. Still, I owe it to him. Whether he's tapping his foot impatiently or not, expecting it or not, I do owe it to him.

It's honest, and it's grown up. Give the guy a call. Admit I fucked up. No outlandish promises--no "ne'er agains"--necessary. Simple enough.

Goddamn me for being such a people pleaser. If for one minute I could stop running on other people's approval, I might actually learn to approve of myself or be content or become reliable-ish. I should work on that.
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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