palmerpink

My right testicle is pregnant with twins. The abortion is Wednesday. In other words, I have cancer. You have no idea how badly I've been wanting to say that. "My balls got an ultrasound." It's hilarious. I was giggling inside even as I saw what is likely a pair of germ cell tumors snuggled up inside one of m'boys. More on that in a bit. We've scheduled the surgery for next Wednesday. I'll be off my feet for a couple weeks and further recovering for another couple. Of course the timing is terrible. Things were finally starting to fall into place. I'm working at a restaurant these days, some nights making more than I'd make for a whole week's labor at the store I was at before. At the end of this month I finally move out of my parents and closer to campus. I was about to start up yoga and swimming again in an effort to get toned and sexy again. School hadn't killed me; I managed all A's for the semester. I was also gearing up to pur...

I'll have to remember that title; it's probably wasted on this. Or maybe--just maybe!--this'll actually be the last time I mess up like this! Yeah! So Friday I was supposed to meet with my sponsor. Somehow I also got in my head I was finally going to get my Learners Permit renewed. (Yeah, about that. Long story. Try to suspend judgment until I can get through this. Speaking of which, why is this so difficult? It can't just be the whole honesty thing. I've gotten plenty good at self-effacing honesty--humility, too, evidently. Unfocused? Maybe. Probably. Oh well.) Maybe it was that my sponsor wanted to slide our normal meeting time up a little; maybe it was that old familiar irrational nervousness about the MVA; maybe it was trying to plot out things in the evening time-line. Whatever it was, it all went down like dominoes. I "dodged" the MVA even after securing ride possibilities from my dad to simplify things. I didn't get in touch with my spons...

So, I'm about to call the sponsor. See, I was running on pure self-will yesterday and ended up playing recluse almost all day. Besides not picking up my paycheck, this meant I didn't to my therapy appointment or meet with my sponsor. Nor did I let either person know I was breaking that commitment. I'm a grownup. So anyways, calling the sponsor in a few minutes. { Hums a funeral march, maybe Chopin or Beethoven .} Of course it's not (likely to be) that serious. I "know" this. But you must realize the way my diseased little brain works.

Oh, so did I mention my glasses arrived Wednesday? I somehow doubt I did.... There's been a lot going on--which hopefully I'll get to blog about some this weekend--so I guess I forgot. Also, had no power Thursday. Snowmergency, 2011!!! Meanwhile I'm loving them. Still getting used to them but actually I often forget they're even on. That is until I realize I'm looking at something with more clarity than I'd ever dreamed possible. That's when it hits me. The world has shapes and stuff. And lines. It's kinda nuts. Also, amazing. I think I'm gonna get addicted to the geometries of every day life, man. That's how sweet this is. Today is my first real venture out into the real world with them. I'm not gonna count the snowmergency rescue attempt (definitely blogging about that one later...) cuz it was dark and snow got all over my glasses so they didn't make much of a difference. However, today, I'm heading down to Dupont Circle, to ...

Wait, what was I supposed to be doing, again....? Showering? Vacuuming? Making myself a (healthy) dinner? Finishing the laundry? Stripping my bed and remaking it...? Getting my student loans consolidated.....? Oh, wait, that's right. I'm blogging.

Ugh, I did say I was gonna do this, didn't I? Part of me would rather be...well I don't have anything else I could be doing, I guess. Well, yes, I do, but who actually wants to do laundry? I could at least be writing about that thing...or this other... Fine. Resolutions.

So the spons-da-sponse wanted me to do some first step work for our meetup this week; good ole "not yet" workthrough. Of course I didn't do it/haven't done it yet. >.< You want powerlessness? Unmanageability? Left to my own devices, I'll let an entire week slip by. Left to my own devices, I'll get myself into a real money jam. Left to my own devices, I'll sit on my hands all depressy & mopey and not look for a job or work out some kinda a budget or anything  productive , instead flirting with boys online to feel pretty and playing computer games to distract mahself/fritter time. So, first thing's first....uh? What's first? Do (some of) the stepwork? Apply to another job? Clean my God forsaken room/the wasteland? Call my loan servicers? Sigh, it sucks that even when I know I need to do something, and even kinda want to do something, I still manage to find nothing to do >.<

So at American Eagle, we're given something called "call-in" hours in addition to our regular work hours. They're basically like tentative work hours; we call in about an hour before they start to see if the store needs us and if so, we gotta be there or it's just like skipping a regular shift of work. Due to a few recent factors I've ended up working many of mine this week. And how.