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Oy, yay!

I really don't want to be writing this. No, no, no; not because I'm in some sour, pissy mood, like I had myself yesterday morning. No, actually yesterday turned out rather marvelous after that was posted, though later on.

No, the reason I'm resistant to any effort is I (think I) am sick. Head's all heavy, coughing, voice all fucked up (I sound like Philip DeFranco), and generally lethargic and ick feeling. I don't want to write this because I don't want to write, which is largely because I don't feel like doing anything right now.

As I said, though, yesterday turned out pretty fabulous--bad weather and all.

I guess I did a bit of praying. I wanted to stop feeling so frustrated and shitty about that guy and his possible indifference. I left out some bits, I think, about how I've gotten so good about being casual around him--just being friends, not being some desperate creeper. But, although sparing me a lot of frustration and let down, it somehow still frustrates me. Maybe it's that I have to take up this "unnatural", "discomforting" behavior to keep from being repulsive. Maybe it's that I still want him as badly as ever.

Like, I'll see him, and I'll be chill, and I'll hafta stop myself from putting myself in places where we'll "run into eachother" or he'll 'notice" me. And then an hour or few later it'll hit me--he'll be stuck in my head. And the feelings of foolishness and shame and reprehension. And it just pisses me off further. That I have to care, that I have to need his attention and approval so much that if he's unable to give it, my night/weekend/week is potentially ruined. It just seems so pathetic to me.

But somewhere in those prayers to be relieved in some way of that frustration, I realized that apparently part of me just doesn't want to let it go. That part of me almost enjoys it somehow. Maybe it's the thrill of imagined confirmation & validation. I don't know.

But even just realizing that--that I'm the one feeding this resentment and letting it eat away at me, no one else, and that I even was doing that--changed the course of the day. By the afternoon I was sitting in Starbucks (what!? I actually left the house!?) down in Dupont and I'd decided I was going to enjoy the gloomy/rainy weather. Just plain love it. And before long I was playing a sor tof "smiling game" with passersby. I didn't even care if they smiled back, I just wanted to give as warm and genuine a smile as I could, show them, mayhaps, the contentment and gratitude I was feeling.

Amusingly, the meeting I went to later was a step discussion on step 6. That got me thinking about character defects and how--in what ways, really--they're "removed". And it made so much sense of things. Hoorah for serendipity!

anyway, i'm literally about to pass out on my keyboard. I should sign off and take a nap before the meeting tonight...thank goodness I have tomorrow off.
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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