The trouble with trying.

Every time I struggle with something, it seems to always boil down to the same thing: that initiating moment, that starting point. Some stupid mental block I've put in my own way keeps me from beginning and it stresses me out. Case in point, the topic of last night's blogpost.

The funny thing is more often than not I'm perfectly capable of whatever the task is, I'm just too panicked to give it a go. A therapist once described it this way: it's like I imagine my comfort zone to be very, very small, when in fact it's actually quite a bit larger. 'Who knows what could happen if I try this? Anything could happen--and that's scary.' The result? Plenty of things I'm perfectly capable of doing but perfectly scared of trying.

This is the sort of thing I've prayed about from time to time; it usually helps, I should probably get back into it. It's rarely anything fancy--usually invoking Walt Whitman for moral support of some kind--but it's still ridiculously helpful. It's one of those third step things; if I can just turn over that initial worry, and do what I need to do, and leave the rest to whatever, I get things done and even amaze myself.

It's still hard. More often than not, I'm not thinking about why I won't let myself do something but rather how much I don't want to. Even when I try to coach myself through it, it isn't always easy. The good news is I have gotten better at these things--at praying or pushing myself to try. I know I've written about this a good dozen times, but it's good to know I have gotten better.

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