I'm up early, for once.

Yeah, I've written about it before--the wanting-to-get-up-early thing. So I'll be brief, or try.

So I ostensibly like getting up early. It's a good time for doing things. Practically nothing is ever planned before 11ish so it's good me-time. I've also got a clear head and (mostly) high energy levels. But I usually get lazy/indulgent and go back to sleep when I don't have to be up right away for anything in particular (and sometimes even when I do...).

Am I robbing me of my me-time? Well, yes and no. Sometimes I fill that time with more indulgent me-time--porn, okcupid/dudesnude, facebook, lord knows what else. Normally, I'd want to spend this time writing or reading the news or blogging or just preparing for the day.

Not so likely, especially lately--I've been sleeping in or wanking early far more than is necessary. Can't porn or okcupid or whatever wait until the end of the day? isn't it just as easy to wack off before bed as after?

So, why?

It boils down to, and likely always has, worry. Either sleeping or wanking or just otherwise goofing off is a quick escape from even the slightest worry; it's semi-automatic, really. My slightly OCD brain can freak out without even realizing it, at least enough to make the comparative relief of a bit more sleep or a "quick" jo seductive. And what starts off as "just a bit" always morphs into "I don't know what happened; I lost track of time".

I just spaced out a moment, thinking through the morning to come, how I would like it to go versus how I'd like it to go. Part of me wants to go look at hot guys after finishing this post, as though having accomplished something. Part of me wants to go get some oatmeal and read up on the day's news or workout. I have to be outta here by 11 for a lunch thing, and I know how certain things I want to do--almost feel entitled to do--will probably make me run late as I lose track of time. As usual.

And....--damnit, this is hard--I don't want to be that person anymore. Unreliable. Over-indulgent and under-fulfilled. I say that kinda stuff a lot though. It's tough because it requires work to change, while the usual status quo--especially this status quo--requires or seems to require so little. But it's childish, and I'm supposed to be some kind of grownup.

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