Skip to main content

Oh right.

I shouldn't have been surprised that, although really excited to go to the gym in the AM to the a-gain, that this morning would prove difficult. Today I have work at 1:30pm instead of 9:45am. That throws things off more than you might expect.

My brain is a stupid thing much of/pretty much most of/all of the time. If it perceives any leeway, it overrides any sensible use of time. Lack of discipline. Give it an inch, it takes a mile, or however that goes. So on mornings like today, when I don't have to be anywhere until much later, it/I will happily forget/rationalize other important things I merely wanted to do, regardless of how important they were to me.

I first woke up at 6:30am to Garrison Keillor reading me a poem called "1000 Yard Oar Boat" or something; I took my meds and went back to sleep until 7 when my phone went off. Typical morning although trying to break that habit bit by bit (it used to be I'd routinely dismiss the 7am alarm and sleep till 8:30am). Oh well, not too awful.

But then 7 klaxoned its arrival and--here's the crucial mistake my brain makes even on the best of days--instead of getting up and heading to the gym, it somehow reasoned that sleeping in until the backup alarm (some might call this the other crucial mistake) went off at 7:30 wouldn't hurt anything. Even the ideal plan for the rest of the morning didn't have me wanting to be anywhere after the gym until about 11, about 2 hours after my intended workout would have finished. So--I slept what was meant to be that extra 30mins.

I love that this pic is simply called
"alarm-clock-tantrum.jpg"
Today's error sequens was less dumbassy than the usual fare, actually. I lazily, contentedly dozed, quite lightly mind you, expecting that second alarm to go off any minute. Due to a bug in my phone/phone's alarm that I've been meaning to deal with for a while, the second alarm silenced itself. {facepalm} I eased back awake and went to check how long I had until the alarm and--it was 8 fucking 30. My false pride and sense of accomplishment crucified themselves immediately.

Oh well. I googled android alarm clock apps and found one with options to solve math problems before being able to snooze or dismiss alarms. Hopefully, too, less buggy. Fuck yeah. Now I'm going to go figure out if that 11:30 meeting and the workout are still viable and, if not, figure out which is more important for me to show up for.


I can't claim I'm perfect; in fact I'm pretty sure I've never used that word to describe myself (except within the larger concept "perfectionist"). Certainly within expected margins for human errancy is planning and declaiming to intend to do things, to want to do them so seriously that one blogs about them in earnest, in sincerity, only to fail to do them right or altogether. It happens. Certainly on this blog.

I guess I'm feeling guilty. Here, I really wanted to start this new routine, like so many before. I reasoned out in last night's post why it was significant and even easy. I guess it felt like I was promising something, and when I didn't follow through it feels like failure, dishonesty.

Is that kinda dumb? Yeah. But then we've already established my brain is pretty stupid. At this point it's best to keep moving and try again tomorrow or the day after and so on. Even my stupid brain realizes how reasonable and simple that is.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Or just tell me what you think.

Other things that might interest you...

On aging, and fear.

To begin with, I’m not sure you’re aware of it, but I’m middle aged. Oh? What gave it away? Using a blog as my primary literary medium?¹ Hm. But in fact, the APA defines 35 years as the end of “young adulthood.” Yeah. I found out via some shitpost on twitter when I was already 35, so it didn’t sit well with me then either. But my worries about aging began much sooner than that. See, even in my 20s, I feared I’d been wasting my life. I’d struggled with school and life and everything since graduating high school, arguably sooner, and nothing seemed to be going anywhere meaningful . I felt I had a limited social life, a dead-end job, no money, no great travels, a limping love life; I was, generally, a loser, wasting away... There were none of the usual hallmarks of success or happiness. And that scared me. Would my life have been worth it if I continued in this direction? Would it have been a “life well lived” by the end? So, this is my existential struggle. Even now, as I lurch ever nea...
Post a Comment
Read more

Changing lanes.

I was driving home in some traffic last night when I drifted, in my mind, a long way back (about 20 years) to high school. I was caught in one of those periodic traffic slowdowns as I floated back; you know, those waves of congestion that seem to pass backward through the columns of cars in each lane. (I've heard they start because someone switches lanes, and in response, a rippling emergent slowness travels backward and outward as the cars behind it accommodate the change, one by one.) What drew me back to those younger days was that, back in high school, similar phenomena of congestion took place in the halls between classes, when eddies of young humans would get caught in and around those clumps of those chatting by lockers or retrieving books. Occasionally, backups would occur when groups of people got caught in these eddies, or collided with other groups by the lockers, and slowdowns would ripple back from there. Maybe it's not exactly the same, but as I drove it seemed si...
Post a Comment
Read more

Oatmeal is tasty.

{slurps up berry-oatmeal-deliciousness} Indeed. I need to work on rebuilding a morning schedule. I can be zombie-like enough that I'll waste a perfectly good morning, and have often slept through many. And, really, it's such a useful time of day.
4 comments
Read more