palmerpink

Here's where I'm at these days. This poor woman. She's a colleague of my mother's and probably hating her right now for referring me to her.  More general news after the email chunk. So, today i'm trying to make contact with the campus. After much ru nning about (I've discovered that UMD's website is not really a singular monolith but rather a congealed mass of smaller, distinct websites for the various colleges and their departments. very confusing.) I've managed to gather several bits of data. For one, I can now log in to things.  Apparently at this point the "block" on being able to register is for academic advising with the English department (as a transfer, I've already matriculated). What I'd like to know is whether the orientation is mandatory to proceed with the semester (apparently they're not rescheduling today's....or listing any further ones for the spring 2014 term....) or whether I can try meeting with an ad...

Today I am officially (credit card) debt free! The balance on my long-expired BofA card is at -$6, actually. So now they owe me. Yippee! But there are other grownuppy things mingling about this morning.... There are of course some of the many irresponsible distractions skulking about, too. I just went on a 5 - 10 minute facebook diversion, followed by a 5 minute music decisioning bit (I actually call that more of a neutral player as I think we can all agree that now and then life is no good without the appropriate soundtrack). There is of course blogging this post, too, but it's a necessary sacrifice of inertia as I haven't been blogging much of anything lately. It might even focus me some. One tricky thing, though, is despite this rare urge to confront things like mounds of paperwork & filing, tidying & cleaning, workouts & self grooming, and such, it's kind of a listless  sort of urge at this point. Almost a restlessness--a responsible  restlessnes...

This work crap has gotten a bit better but it still dogs me badly. At this point, I'm less absorbed by the agonizing worry & overthinking than I am simply painfully aware not meeting my own exaggerated demands. Slight improvement, yeah? This is literally what I look like at work. That is something, though. I've realized that much of this boils down to a few bad habits of thinking and a lot of anger. It's just got my head all wrong really; these bad habits of thinking prey upon something basic in how I operate. The result is the sorta-nervous-wreckness I've been experiencing the last half a week or so. Although my managers may want me to get dozens of people to sign up for credit cards each week, I only really need  about 5 a week. Anything more is awesome (more Macy's Money and stuff!) but as long as I can get 5+ cards, I = success. It's easy though to get caught up in my managers' expectations, to make their demands my own, to measure myself by...

Every time I struggle with something, it seems to always boil down to the same thing: that initiating moment, that starting point. Some stupid mental block I've put in my own way keeps me from beginning  and it stresses me out. Case in point, the topic of last night's blogpost . The funny thing is more often than not I'm perfectly capable of whatever the task is, I'm just too panicked to give it a go. A therapist once described it this way: it's like I imagine my comfort zone to be very, very small, when in fact it's actually quite a bit larger. 'Who knows  what could happen if I try this? Anything could happen--and that's scary.' The result? Plenty of things I'm perfectly capable of doing but perfectly scared of trying. This is the sort of thing I've prayed about from time to time; it usually helps, I should probably get back into it. It's rarely anything fancy--usually invoking Walt Whitman for moral support of some kind--but it...

I'll be brief, perhaps...for once...I'm weary. You may be in luck. For reasons beyond my caring, my store--my department, especially--has upped its game credit wise. That is, in getting people signed up for our store credit card. All well and good--in fact when I actually talk to people about credit I can be pretty convincing and find it fairly easy (the talking about it part, at least). But now we've added a new dimension. I don't know if it's just our new way of doing things or simply because it's slow, but we've taken to the aisles to solicit  people to apply for our card. Nobody else seems to have had any trouble with this. I, on the other hand, have been near my breaking point for two days in a row. It's not that I can't talk about our credit card or lack confidence--I could list a dozen ways to save and how they're relevant to you and your interests--it's just the talking  part. To random people. About something they might (might!...

I skipped work yesterday. There, I said it. I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't want to leave the house somehow. Or maybe I was sick of responsibilities. I'm sure some filaments of anxiety were woven into it. It was like a spinny angry mess in my head, but maybe less severe than that sounds. Much less severe, to be sure, than times past. Certain questions and hounding thoughts pressed on through the day. 'What am I doing with my life?' 'What happened to the things I love?' 'I don't want to do this anymore.' 'I'm never gonna move out of this place.' 'What do I really want?' Maybe, in staying home, I was hiding from these things. At home, in my room, in my bed, I have things--tried and true, however abused--to distract myself from my somewhat OCD like worrying. I have, at the least, a false sense of control. In those times past when my worrying and anxiety got really bad, I would hole up here, withdrawn from everything th...

So, sex is really fun. And easy. Not the getting, exactly, but certainly the doing. Yeah, the fucking has gotten so nice and natural feeling. But it hasn't always been that way. A bit of back story. So back in high school, around when I first came outta the closet, I was troubled by that classical dichotomy--love versus lust. This was quickly rectified by discovering Walt Whitman and how openly he admired sex. Thus did I put aside any moral qualms about sex: sex was something beautiful and amazing to share in with another person, in which the feelings of love and passion could come together manifest and gift-like. Isn't that just sweet? All romantic and darling. Golly, I used to be such a good kid. It was still another 2 years or so before I fucked or got fucked; it was with my first boyfriend. We had some--many, really--good times. But our relationship was so worried and anxious--we were so young and dumb and insecure--, and that was often reflected in the sex. It co...

See, I feel really compelled to do some somethings. I'm just not sure what, or how, or even if I actually "can". Part of me wants to do creative things like work on some long ignored projects or conceive some new ones. Part of me wants to/knows I should do some responsible things like some paperwork and make some calls. On the one hand, there are such doubts swimming about my little mind and, on the other, such guilt for not working on these things. So while some things seem difficult or unmanageable, others feel all the more obligating for every bit I consider doing something else instead of them. And of course mixed in there is general confusion and particular uncertainties. Like, I just don't know what to do, and I don't feel certain about anything one thing I start setting my mind on. Too much I could choose to do and too much worry about whatever I choose not to. The other day, I noted that perhaps my greatest curse is a failure at prioritization. ...

I think I figured out where I was heading with that post the other day . As I often do, in blogging as in life, I think aloud a lot. Perfectly harmless, mostly. So in case you couldn't tell I was struggling to figure out the point of that post as I wrote it and hadn't the sense to just save it as a draft and fix it later. All the same, I think I've figured it out afterall. It used to be that when I would tell someone about something or even the way I'd be doing certain things, there'd be something I wanted out of them. And that would more often than not shape how I phrased what I said--manipulation. Like, I'd tell them about some problem I'd solved, trying as subtly as I could to get them to commend my cleverness. Or maybe it would be a story of how awful something had been, and I'd hope to gain their consolation, sympathy. Like when I had trouble writing papers for a class. I wouldn't leave asking for an extension at just telling my profes...

In good news, Parker and I are going up to New York for a weekend at the end of July. I'm kinda excited. I feel a bit like a grownup--putting aside money for the trip, talking about bus tickets, even looking up some things to check out while we're there. I do feel like a bit of a dick for leaving most of the planning up to Parker (and Mani), but then it really was his deal from the start. In other news, I'm becoming reacquainted with some old, familiar anxiety. And some more recently acquired ways of dealing with it.

What a waste of a good title. Oh well, can you tell I'm nervous? I have an interview at Starbucks this afternoon (in under four hours from now, to be exact). Funnily enough, I'm somewhat less worried about the interview itself as what might happen when I get the job.

So, I'm about to call the sponsor. See, I was running on pure self-will yesterday and ended up playing recluse almost all day. Besides not picking up my paycheck, this meant I didn't to my therapy appointment or meet with my sponsor. Nor did I let either person know I was breaking that commitment. I'm a grownup. So anyways, calling the sponsor in a few minutes. { Hums a funeral march, maybe Chopin or Beethoven .} Of course it's not (likely to be) that serious. I "know" this. But you must realize the way my diseased little brain works.

So I'm taking Parker's shift at AE since I got him sick. Also becauses I desperately need the hours. I've been so freaked out since I got that statement from Sallie Mae; I owe them a lot . It has me scared all over again, just as I thought I'd begun to figure out all that money shit. At this point I'm probably going to get a forebearance on the Sallie Mae stuff and consolidate the other 50 loans and try to get those payments graduated or some such. I want to pay of  some of these loans. I'd feel too irresponsible otherwise. So I'm gonna do some quickish workout then head in early; maybe call up Sallie Mae and get some concrete facts. Hm...... ...aaaand, sigh. I'm so tensed up over this. Sighfucksigh. Money scares the shit out of me, and here it's complicated by being in several different loans and to multiple institutions. So it's a lot  and hard to keep track of >.< I guess now's a good time for what they call "spiritu...

Wait, what was I supposed to be doing, again....? Showering? Vacuuming? Making myself a (healthy) dinner? Finishing the laundry? Stripping my bed and remaking it...? Getting my student loans consolidated.....? Oh, wait, that's right. I'm blogging.

So, two days into the new year and finally bothering to work out some resolutions. And ya wanna know why? Because everyone else is doing it. As I mentioned yesterday , I kind of forgot about New Year's...so it shouldn't surprise anyone that I didn't do much preparation for this kinda post. You know, note cards of reflections and annals of resolutions, whittling them down to a pristine post of sublime art and form and....yeah. Not happening. However, I'll still BS what I can in 30 odd minutes and see what happens. Actually I think it should turn out well. Let's find out:

'Allo, Duckies.... Sorry I've been absent; I'm sure it's been brutal on you all. All three of you who read this, lawl. I've been working my ass off at work (I'll have something like 31 or 32 hours this week by the end of Saturday...) to cull together enough change to make these loan payments (with maybe a bit to spare to get some lucky few some cheap ass gifts or something). I've also been lazing off/avoidancing in my spare time. But mostly working. I haven't completely avoided my loan shit this particular week, just.... putting it off. Goddamnit. I even know it'd be so much easier to just deal with it now or two weeks ago than to accrue anymore late payments/bad credit, but money just terrifies me :( Well, I believe Dad and I're gonna take down these payment bastards tonight after work. My hope is he'll lend me the money necessary to eliminate this round of payments and their corresponding late fees, etc, and then I'll pay him...

Uh, oh--another Radiohead mood.... But seriously, things have a kinda slowed-down-feeling. Not that I want to let them slow down--not that I'm going to let them slow down--just that that's how they feel. It's odd.

>.< I'm not sure how today'll work out, but today's "Bad Movie Mondays" post may be posted as early as tonight but possibly tomorrow. I have been working on; notes have been taken, plans have been made, sentences have been composed (somewhat) in my mind. Just...some unexpected business/messiness came up and it'll have to take priority for the now. See, I finally manned up and did the math on those student loans/wages business that had me so freaked out last week . You know how things are supposed to get easier once you face'em? At the least, turn out not as awful as you'd feared? Yeah, ironically, the numbers I crunched turned out worse than I'd been anticipating. I can't help wondering if this could have been avoided. The severity of the ick, that is. You know, if I'd manned up/faced the messiness sooner.... *sigh*