palmerpink

Interesting day; mundane post. Apologies up front. Today: I worked, I met up with Parker & Kial for lunch and had a lovely time, I worked out, I napped, I led a meeting, I came home, and I blogged. Er, am blogging. Whatever. Epiphanies were also had, and choices may be in motion. Read on:

Back in NYC. As lovely as ever, if a bit more confusing, but then that's mostly my own doing. See, I could catch a bus home tonight OR I could stay at my friend's place and catch a bus tomorrow. Seems simple--but naturally I cannot allow that to be!!

So tomorrow I head up to Connecticut for the rest of the week. I'll be doing a good deal of chores--closing down the lakehouse for the season, painting and mending, and so forth--but I look forward to the time spent among the trees and the leaves, the wind and the cold. (Mind you, it's not normally that  cold when I visit, but I've never been up there this late in fall...and it's in the mountains...like, the highest mountain or something... it's in a cute town, though ....) Anyway, I love this place. My family's had a lakehouse up there since the 1930s; it's got this stolid, stonelike quality to it. Immovable. Of course it's really made of wood, and being 80 years old needs a bit of work now and then. Which is my excuse for going up this weekend, to do some work to fix it up a bit and close it down for the season. I'm excited. A bit of time to go clear my head and look at some nature and think, if I must, or write, if I can. Honestly, just...

See, I feel really compelled to do some somethings. I'm just not sure what, or how, or even if I actually "can". Part of me wants to do creative things like work on some long ignored projects or conceive some new ones. Part of me wants to/knows I should do some responsible things like some paperwork and make some calls. On the one hand, there are such doubts swimming about my little mind and, on the other, such guilt for not working on these things. So while some things seem difficult or unmanageable, others feel all the more obligating for every bit I consider doing something else instead of them. And of course mixed in there is general confusion and particular uncertainties. Like, I just don't know what to do, and I don't feel certain about anything one thing I start setting my mind on. Too much I could choose to do and too much worry about whatever I choose not to. The other day, I noted that perhaps my greatest curse is a failure at prioritization. ...

Decisions....are something I'm very bad at. As I said the other day, I wanted to try to pick out some things from my to do list and decide (my word was "commit") I was going to do them and then hold myself accountable by reporting back to my sponsor or stuff. Pretty simple. Well, I did one of them--called back Panera to see if they still wanted to interview me (haven't heard back.... >.<)--but otherwise lazed off the others. Working on my resume, looking up jobs on craigslist. Avoided might be a better word, though the verb of choice is likely somewhere in between. I don't like feeling incompetent, and I don't like feeling useless, but what am I supposed to do? I suppose this is a great time to work on turning things over--praying, calling my network now and then, if only to keep myself outside of my head. One thing that buggers things is that not matter how hard I seem to try to commit myself, nothing seems able to reign in my mind's e...

So, the time has come. Or, rather, I've made the time come. Because I goddamned feel like it. So anyway: I think I want a (proper) domain name for this blog. And I want your input/thoughts. Now , you fuckers. Not later--NOW. I'm impatient! So, yeah--DO IT FAGGOT. Gimme feedback. (\/ \/ \/ yeah, you should prolly read/skim the rest of the post... \/ \/ \/)