Skip to main content

Decisions.

Decisions....are something I'm very bad at.

As I said the other day, I wanted to try to pick out some things from my to do list and decide (my word was "commit") I was going to do them and then hold myself accountable by reporting back to my sponsor or stuff. Pretty simple.

Well, I did one of them--called back Panera to see if they still wanted to interview me (haven't heard back.... >.<)--but otherwise lazed off the others. Working on my resume, looking up jobs on craigslist. Avoided might be a better word, though the verb of choice is likely somewhere in between.


I don't like feeling incompetent, and I don't like feeling useless, but what am I supposed to do?

I suppose this is a great time to work on turning things over--praying, calling my network now and then, if only to keep myself outside of my head.

One thing that buggers things is that not matter how hard I seem to try to commit myself, nothing seems able to reign in my mind's ever vexing distractibility. I'm sure there's a remark I could make about some irony in there--something about how I can't remain focused enough to get focused--but I guess I'm a little too distracted to really formulate it into something clever. (And more than a bit weary....)


Part of the trouble is I'm not even sure what I'm missing or what I need or even what I want. (Nor even what I'm fighting elsewise.)

Like, I'd like to be (somewhat) normal, yeah? But I know that's probably never going to happen. It would probably be too deep a betrayal of my inherent weirdness. But even that aside--whatever eccentricities may or may not define me--I do wish I were at least functional.

In some ways maybe I am. Maybe I am and more so than I give myself credit. Maybe I've grown more along these lines than I realize, and what I'm really struggling with is just impatience.

But if that's the case, how long do I have to wait? How can I feel good about and encouraged by and motivated in taking these alleged steps towards growing up if I can't even see they're there?

Right now I feel so very unimpressive. I feel like I'm composed of various grandiloquent flourishes with no real core--no integrity--underneath to justify any of it. Not so much disingenuous as simply lacking.

I think I'm scared that no matter how hard I want to commit to doing something, how badly I want to make a decision, that I don't have enough substance in me to put behind these decisions to make them happen. And it probably isn't true, but that's how it feels, and this is one of those times when it becomes so very hard to remember that feelings are not facts.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Or just tell me what you think.

Other things that might interest you...

On aging, and fear.

To begin with, I’m not sure you’re aware of it, but I’m middle aged. Oh? What gave it away? Using a blog as my primary literary medium?¹ Hm. But in fact, the APA defines 35 years as the end of “young adulthood.” Yeah. I found out via some shitpost on twitter when I was already 35, so it didn’t sit well with me then either. But my worries about aging began much sooner than that. See, even in my 20s, I feared I’d been wasting my life. I’d struggled with school and life and everything since graduating high school, arguably sooner, and nothing seemed to be going anywhere meaningful . I felt I had a limited social life, a dead-end job, no money, no great travels, a limping love life; I was, generally, a loser, wasting away... There were none of the usual hallmarks of success or happiness. And that scared me. Would my life have been worth it if I continued in this direction? Would it have been a “life well lived” by the end? So, this is my existential struggle. Even now, as I lurch ever nea...
Post a Comment
Read more

Changing lanes.

I was driving home in some traffic last night when I drifted, in my mind, a long way back (about 20 years) to high school. I was caught in one of those periodic traffic slowdowns as I floated back; you know, those waves of congestion that seem to pass backward through the columns of cars in each lane. (I've heard they start because someone switches lanes, and in response, a rippling emergent slowness travels backward and outward as the cars behind it accommodate the change, one by one.) What drew me back to those younger days was that, back in high school, similar phenomena of congestion took place in the halls between classes, when eddies of young humans would get caught in and around those clumps of those chatting by lockers or retrieving books. Occasionally, backups would occur when groups of people got caught in these eddies, or collided with other groups by the lockers, and slowdowns would ripple back from there. Maybe it's not exactly the same, but as I drove it seemed si...
Post a Comment
Read more

Oatmeal is tasty.

{slurps up berry-oatmeal-deliciousness} Indeed. I need to work on rebuilding a morning schedule. I can be zombie-like enough that I'll waste a perfectly good morning, and have often slept through many. And, really, it's such a useful time of day.
4 comments
Read more