Decisions.

Decisions....are something I'm very bad at.

As I said the other day, I wanted to try to pick out some things from my to do list and decide (my word was "commit") I was going to do them and then hold myself accountable by reporting back to my sponsor or stuff. Pretty simple.

Well, I did one of them--called back Panera to see if they still wanted to interview me (haven't heard back.... >.<)--but otherwise lazed off the others. Working on my resume, looking up jobs on craigslist. Avoided might be a better word, though the verb of choice is likely somewhere in between.

I don't like feeling incompetent, and I don't like feeling useless, but what am I supposed to do?

I suppose this is a great time to work on turning things over--praying, calling my network now and then, if only to keep myself outside of my head.

One thing that buggers things is that not matter how hard I seem to try to commit myself, nothing seems able to reign in my mind's ever vexing distractibility. I'm sure there's a remark I could make about some irony in there--something about how I can't remain focused enough to get focused--but I guess I'm a little too distracted to really formulate it into something clever. (And more than a bit weary....)

Part of the trouble is I'm not even sure what I'm missing or what I need or even what I want. (Nor even what I'm fighting elsewise.)

Like, I'd like to be (somewhat) normal, yeah? But I know that's probably never going to happen. It would probably be too deep a betrayal of my inherent weirdness. But even that aside--whatever eccentricities may or may not define me--I do wish I were at least functional.

In some ways maybe I am. Maybe I am and more so than I give myself credit. Maybe I've grown more along these lines than I realize, and what I'm really struggling with is just impatience.

But if that's the case, how long do I have to wait? How can I feel good about and encouraged by and motivated in taking these alleged steps towards growing up if I can't even see they're there?

Right now I feel so very unimpressive. I feel like I'm composed of various grandiloquent flourishes with no real core--no integrity--underneath to justify any of it. Not so much disingenuous as simply lacking.

I think I'm scared that no matter how hard I want to commit to doing something, how badly I want to make a decision, that I don't have enough substance in me to put behind these decisions to make them happen. And it probably isn't true, but that's how it feels, and this is one of those times when it becomes so very hard to remember that feelings are not facts.

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