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Ah, Well, Fuck It.

I wrote this Friday morning intending to finish off the last paragraph later that day and post it. Interestingly enough, things have changed. My best friend and I decided to become roommates, I have newfound motivation to apply & follow up on jobs, and generally move forward as proactively as I can. So yeah, i'll try to post more about all that goodness later on, but until then, enjoy....

So far this morning has been a coming to terms.
  • Coming to terms with not going to Sessions by the Sea in Ocean City - Did you know I've never been to Ocean City? I don't care if it's crap or not, I just want to see the damn place someday. Oh, and all that hot program/conference action too. That'd also be nice. I'm totally not so shallow that I'd prioritize going to the gorgeous/fun/sexy/mythical Ocean City or sating my curiosity--sentimental and lustful by turns--above furthering my sobriety/program. Heavens no.
  • Coming to terms with needing a job - Did you know I haven't been properly employed--that is, waged, taxed, and all--in 4 years? I've gotten by living off my parents' charity (ie: bum, unsexiest thing on earth next to a 23yo who's never had a driver's license...oh.) and doing oddjobs for neighbors--which is actually turning into something of a profitable venture. I'm young, charming, and buff, and thus a pleasure to hire off & pay under the table for boring/tedious/grueling physical labor, apparently. I should email back that lady to let her know I'll be dropping by today shouldn't I....
  • Coming to terms with getting a license - I kinda just need it, frankly. Nevermind that it'd make getting/having/keeping a job like a jillion times easier; no, no concerning ourselves with that! It's just plain unsexy. "o hai, so ur mah date?? hawtt. this iz mah momm; she'z buying/making us dinnarz and driving us to da moviez. yeeeees. kthxbye!"
  •  Coming to terms with being kinda fucked up about shit - As one's 4th/5th step is wont to do, I realized I'm kinda a fucker about things. The other day I reflected on a big ole character defect--my avoidance response--and I should probably do more with other defects as it helped make me more aware and shit, but, amusingly enough, I keep avoiding it as I have been for about 2 months now.
  • Coming to terms with not being in control of every goddamn thing - Fuck you, Serenity Prayer--I don't want "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" I just want them changed. Now. Like I want my server to just be configured so I don't spend fucking hours running in circles relearning/redoing what I did 9months ago. I don't want "the courage to change the things I can" I just want it all to be easy and, in fact, already taken care of. Like jobs. I just want to already have a job--not go out applying. And as for "the wisdom to know the difference"? Fuck that shit too. XD
  • Coming to terms with... - I'm not sure what. The thing that gets me most depressed/haunts me worst when I'm down is a sort of spiritual or existential nihilism. I've lived this sad, slow, shameful life disappointing everyone time and again and falling down on myself all the same with every sign of progress--and it never changes. So sometimes I feel like it's never going to change. That by no measure or actions could it be changed. You can see how this train of thought can be a real buzz-killer.
And the funny thing is I bet if I showed this to any other recovering alcoholic or addict, they'd just smile knowingly and pat me on the head or hug me amiably and say "You're gonna be just fine, kid.". But these last few weeks I haven't even been going to meetings. I'm at that point where I do that thing--I stop liking/wanting to leave my house if I can avoid it. At home, alone, I can exert "control". I can go down to my room, get on my computer, type html or read up on managing servers or revision control or dvorak keyboards or watch Doctor Who or bad movies or MST3k or play computer games all night. I do exactly what I want, when I want; I can run from any causes for anxiety and feel "safe" and "in control. Except, it's not really "control"--it's just a sick perverse "comfort zone", but while I'm there I don't need to worry about all that shit that eats up my conscience the moment I go upstairs or face reality.

It's not quite that bad. Not yet, at least.... It's gotten there and beyond before without my fully realizing it. But I'm sick of it, you know? I don't want to end up at that place again. I doubt there's anyway I can actually be happy that way--being a recluse. It's just false comfort; an exerted existence forcing mediocrity, if bemused, instead of the real life gambles of anxiety and thrills. There are better ways of dealing with the anxieties and pursuing the thrills, I know it. I'm just....not sure how.

But as I said, I can't keep on like I have been known to in the past. Is this coming to terms with needing to change? You know, that goddamn "Serenity Prayer" is actually really goddamned profound. I can't change the trickiness and threats of getting a job, I can't change how a boy I like feels about me, and I can't change that I have ADHD and other issues. However I can continue trying and applying and following up on apps until someone hires me, I can forget about boys--or at least this boy--and focus on things that really matter, and I can forgive myself for my shortcomings and faults and learn to work with them instead of against them. And instead of blundering into the same pitfalls of anxiety and depression, maybe I can spend more time reflecting on what I can't change and what I can, and seek the kind of wisdom to tell the difference.
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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