palmerpink

Wasn't that the name of my last post? I feel like it was. Hm hm. Well it's still been a pretty long time since I last updated. So I just finished my last semester at Montgomery College. Prospectively, I'll soon have an Associate's Degree. That's pretty sweet. 5 years at 2 different institutions over an 8 year period....getting there! someday I may even have a bachelor's! ! I did a lot better than I expected. My final paper for that class I always fail? Turned in--on time--no extensions necessary. I'm not sure what's next. I may move out for a little bit--live on my own at a friend's place for something ridiculously affordable for a couple months. Then maybe go to UMD next Spring? Or maybe I'll launch into the rest of my 4year this summer--take a class or two. My parents are getting close to retirement, afterall, and likely won't be as capable of helping me through to the end of undergrad after they do. Maybe I'll keep wroking at Macy...

I've somewhat spontaneously decided to go back to school. I took time off 2 years ago to figure things out; I had only 2 classes left to get an assocaites degree, but I'd struggled with them. I've been idly considering going back for the last 2 years, but recently I got serious about it. It coincides with going part time at Macy's. I can't stand it being full time there for reasons I think I've already intoned elsewhere. So now I'm part-time at Macy's, and part-time at school. And it's scary because one of these classes I've taken like 4 times and never passed. And it's scary because it's change. And because I might actually pass--and then what? I'm kinda counting on having grown up some in the last 2 years. I'm also paying for it myself; I've taken out so many loans in the past that I didn't need to that I feel adding more, even if responsibly, seemed unwise at this point. In other news, I've been seeing a boy, kin...

I just don't know where anything is heading anymore. So, I'm still frustrated with my job, halfassedly looking for a new one. I've been trying moderately unsuccessfully to rekindle my writing. Suddenly I've been considering finishing school. I need to figure out what's important to me. For some reason, that question's been leading me to my writing. My non-existent writing. I guess because it's expressive, it's enduring, it's relevant. Selling perfume? Not gonna be remembered someday for all the fantastic perfume I sold. It's not that I need to be remembered or adored, just that what I do with the rest of my life, however long that may be, actually matter to me and maybe someone else. Right now I'm about as far from that as I think I can get. The job, as I've said, pisses me off a lot. I'm not terrible at it, but I'm also not good at it. And it consumes most of my time and energy and leaves me not only exhausted but wanting more ...

Right now, I feel like I'm running around trying to do all kindsa things I think I want to do and think I need to do, while unsure what I actually want or need. It ends up a noncommital mess of half-assery instead of any of the useful things I'd wanted in the first place. Of course, I'm exaggerating, somewhat. In reality, the bulk of it is confined to looking for jobs, considering school, and weighing moving out. And it's the how's and when's, as well as the which and which nots. Do I really want to saddle up the responsibility of going back to school right after starting a a new job? Is moving out of my parents' basement with its marginal rent and into a real place with real rent at the same time as incurring more student loan debt really that good of a plan? But these are things that, if artificially, would move my life forward. And it's felt ungratifyingly stuck in one place for much too long--my patience is running out, which is probably the worst f...

Asking for help can be tough, but sometimes tougher still is figuring out what to ask for. I'm sitting outside my therapist's office before my appointment. And I keep wondering--what am I going to talk about? It's more a "where do I start...?" than a "what is there to say...?" situation, but either way it comes down to needing helping and wanting help but not being totally sure how to ask for it. There is some major (or at least majorly frustrating) dysfunction in my brain; of this much I'm certain. I'm not sure, though, where it's tripping me up or how it manages to trick me every time. So how do I ask for help? What am I asking for? It's rather a tricky trouble. I suppose I could focus on specific frustrations of the week, then talk with him of ways of approaching them differently, etc. But it isn't just with him I need to work on asking for help. I have other resources I don't (adequately, responsibly) take advantage of. Fr...

Things are slow sometimes; sometimes it's hard to see any changes at all. It's especially easy to overlook them when you doubt them regularly. But how much does worrying get you? I like talking big changes. Sometimes I'll break them out and talk myself into thinking it's all terribly easy, then let myself down anyway with a monumental lack of motivation. I've had better luck with aiming for smaller changes. Like, I've had "job look" in my to do list for an age and a half or so now, roughly meaning "look for/at job possibilities". Granted it can be pretty simple depending on interpretation--like, look on craigslist and see what there is that sounds reasonable. I've even done it a couple times and felt both bucked up and let down. Because even then, but especially in more broad implementation, there are other steps in "job look" that I have to get organized. And that can be scary. But even in that, I can try marshalling it alon...

So the last couple posts weren't made from your conventional kind of computer. No, they were written on what experts call a "tablet". That's right, kids. I did it. I got my tablet. :) I opted for the Asus Transformer Prime--it's glorious. I love the keyboard dock--it's what I'm typing with, and what's extending my battery enough to even allow me to type this. Cuz, you know, I'd been playing so many games that it that the tablet's battery was about to die. What's nice is how long its battery does last--even without the extra battery in the dock. Also nice is how long my phone's battery can last now that i'm not using it to play games, type blogs, or check my calendar (or when there's wifi, watching youtube and hulu and stuff). I take it with me on all my lunch breaks, yeah to play games, but also, in the last few days, to catch up on the news and opinions and analysis of the day or continue reading some book on Kindle. Frankly...