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It's been a long time.

Wasn't that the name of my last post? I feel like it was. Hm hm. Well it's still been a pretty long time since I last updated.

So I just finished my last semester at Montgomery College. Prospectively, I'll soon have an Associate's Degree. That's pretty sweet. 5 years at 2 different institutions over an 8 year period....getting there! someday I may even have a bachelor's!!

I did a lot better than I expected. My final paper for that class I always fail? Turned in--on time--no extensions necessary.

I'm not sure what's next. I may move out for a little bit--live on my own at a friend's place for something ridiculously affordable for a couple months. Then maybe go to UMD next Spring? Or maybe I'll launch into the rest of my 4year this summer--take a class or two. My parents are getting close to retirement, afterall, and likely won't be as capable of helping me through to the end of undergrad after they do.

Maybe I'll keep wroking at Macy's--not likely, at least not in my current department. Maybe I'll transfer somewhere else in the store. Or maybe I'll finally land that officey job I've been talking about. Get some real money and reasonable, stable hours.

It would be nice to find a stable relationship, or at least go out and meet people regularly. It's been a while since I had a regular boy of any kind. One with staying power. The last one still isn't talking to me, and I don't know for the life of me why. It sucks cuz we didn't end on bad terms or anything. Other boys I've dated recently have usually been bad matches personality/maturity wise. Like, total flakes.

I know part of my problem is "needing" a relationship too badly; too often I'm the guy who's always available, always down to hang, always waiting for you to be available. And guysquickly take advantage of that, likely without realizing it. And I guess it's okay--I've discovered that if we're just too busy to hang or do much in person, I still like to at least hear from you. A text here and there. A phonecall if you can spare a minute. It's selfish, I guess, but it's nice to know that even though things aren't exactly working, you're still thinking of me.

Eh, it's sad, I know. but that's where I'm at.

Other things are going well, though, as I mentioned. I think this uncertainty, though, about where I'm at or heading has me stressed. Like, because I'm sure abou tthat area, i'm worrying more in other areas that're also lacking stability or certainty. So like this stuff with guys? I think i'm looking to compensate for the stress of uncertainty--in my school or work or living arrangement life--with the relief and comfort of a guy I can depend on/fuck on the regular.

Later I'll have to come back and talk about this research project of mine. I'm likely going to develop this paper I just finished into something publishable--either an article or articles or even a book. Maybe I can focus on that (and finding something income-related) for now as things settle out.

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Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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