palmerpink

I want my buddy back. I know I can't--I know he's not coming back. But it's still hard to, not just know it, but feel it without my chest imploding like a dying star. My buddy is gone. My bigguy is gone. And I miss him. At the end of this post, I'll include the poem (the dirge?) I wrote and read to him before the vet came in with the needles; before I held him for one last, infinite snuggle; exactly as in the poem--held against my heart as his stopped beating; as he left me, forever. Goodbye 2015, goodbye Marcel. I had Marcel for almost 16yrs; over half my life. He's been my companion, my little buddy, my bigguy for so long...it's hard to think of him not being there, somewhere, either curled up like a dozey little dork or out claiming his territory with a genially imperious posture. But what I came home to today: A home without Marcel, a life without Marcel. Marcel prefers to read for me. I am so grateful for every moment I had with him. Every snugg...

So today is my second day back at work. Gradually resuming responsibilities; time to be a grownup again and have a job and show up and do it. It's a bit odd but easier than I'd expected, much easier actually. I expected to totally derp the menu or drop something or even tear myself open from the inside. Who knows what kinda crazy hijinks awaited me. But Monday night wasn't bad at all, really. Not only did I survive the shift, but I made more mondy than I need to average in order to stay afloat financially. And that was a pretty slow night. So that was pretty excellent, dude. Who knows, the rest of the week could totally suck, but I don't think it could suck as disastrously as I'd been fearing. And that's pretty sweet. In the meantime, this coffee needs to kick the fuck in cuz I'm still spaced out.

There's a strong chance we can altogether avoid that big scary second surgery ! That's the summary of my doctor's visit in Philly yesterday. I'll go back to see the oncologist guy on August 4 (though they're trying to move it up in case I do need the surgery for various harmless reasons). There's debate about the RPLND surgery as despite its complexity and seriousness, it often turns out to be unnecessary is as many as 75 to 80% of cases. In fact, most European doctors opt for chemo instead. The general alternative is observation and surveilance; the bloodwork and cat scans I'd have to do, like, monthly for some number of years. The big worry if chemo is involved at any point instead of surgery is the possibility of chemo-resistant tumors showing up later on, necessitating that RPLND surgery afterall. Apparently this is the better option for me. The results of bloodwork and CAT scan show pretty much zero indication of even microtumors or anything in my l...

Bit by bit, day by day, my big appointment draws nearer. I'm going up to Philly on Friday to see some specialists, two of the best available, and find out exactly what's coming next. Surgery? Surveillance? Chemo? As I've said before, most likely it'll be surgery. The big scary one. With the slicing my whole belly open and lifting of organs and snipping out of a dozen little lymph nodes all nestled up against my aorta and vena cava. Yeah, that one. From what I'm seeing, if we go that route I'll probably be off from work for as few as two or as many as three months, more likely the three. I should be okay though; as I said these are two of the best guys around. So of course what's actually  worrying me is far more...trivial. I'm trying to coordinate with my current urologist's office to send all the reports and results and other records they have for me up to the Philly guys. I'm worried things are going to be left out and we'll waste ti...

In all likelihood, I'll need a second, more complicated surgery before this is done. I'm not entirely sure why I haven't bothered to post about this yet, but it's been on my mind all the same. Essentially, the tumor was a non-seminoma germ cell tumor, specifically embryonal carcinoma. This more aggressive half of the ball cancer family still follows a predictable route--through a sequence of lymph nodes up the torso to the lungs, liver, brain, and beyond. Because this sequence is so predictable and because this kind of germ cell tumor resists chemo, it is almost always treated with surgery. It's called retroperitoneal lymph node dissection. Cool, can't be that bad, yeah? Lymph nodes aren't so big or anything, just gotta cut out these couple and call it a day. Except. They run up the torso, so the incision goes from just below the chest to below the belly button. Big ass cuts up in here. They are also under  many of the organs of the body cavity, posi...

The good news is I can still jack off. I've actually known for a while--in fact, the first night after the surgery. I somewhat surreptitiously attempted it; obviously I was doing it intentionally, and alone in the dark, so the only secretive part was in considering reasons I might refrain from beating off the goods barely 12 hours after they'd been under the knife, but choosing to anyway. And all systems were go, and came. I paused, though, as I approached climax, (it had already taken a while) not sure if I'd be racked with pain or look down to find blood in my cum, thinking, "If there's going to be a time to stop, a last chance to avoid a risk of anything, of the worst, now is that time," but taking the plunge instead. It had been a while, I guess; it was everywhere. And no blood in the semen or crippling pain! It's funny, I suppose. I first found the lump while masturbating. I was already at the brink, so there really wasn't much choice to st...

It's not that I'm ungrateful. The surgery itself as far as I know was free of complications, and the recovery has been thankfully uneventful. I have my followup next Monday where we'll discuss whatever the labs found and path forward. So all is as well as it can be. But it's kind of...weird: My junk just seems off somehow.  For one, they shaved/trimmed   everything . My groin, my pubes, even the treasure trail. Besides being a(n understandably) graceless effort, it's foreign to me. Not once since I sprouted pubic hair have I ever experimented with man-scaping. So it's weird looking and weird feeling. I can't tell if it makes my dick looking bigger (as people claim) or smaller or just weird. Of course, most of the time it's been soft, and often right after icing the area to manage inflamation, etc. I'll let you know what I think after I've made more erect assessments. Of course there's also the obvious: I'm missing a ball. So ...

So the other day I posted about my medical goings on, the cancer and whatnot, and I've gotten some great feedback. I'm really grateful for the love and support people have so freely offered me, it's humbling and wonderful. I've also gotten a lot of questions. A lot of the same questions, understandably. I'd like to answer as many as I can remember to help everyone out. You're having surgery? For what?? Oh, you know, just a bit of cancer. Omigawd, what kind of cancer?? Testicular Cancer. It's remarkably treatable. Are you scared? I mean, it is cancer, but really not very much. As far as cancer goes, testicular cancer is actually very treatable. The surgery is usually pretty effective, especially when done early on. Then they monitor you for a couple years--usually going in for CAT scans and bloodwork a couple times a year. Even if the cancer has spread, the chemo for it is highly effective; they've narrowed it down to a very specific family of drug...

My right testicle is pregnant with twins. The abortion is Wednesday. In other words, I have cancer. You have no idea how badly I've been wanting to say that. "My balls got an ultrasound." It's hilarious. I was giggling inside even as I saw what is likely a pair of germ cell tumors snuggled up inside one of m'boys. More on that in a bit. We've scheduled the surgery for next Wednesday. I'll be off my feet for a couple weeks and further recovering for another couple. Of course the timing is terrible. Things were finally starting to fall into place. I'm working at a restaurant these days, some nights making more than I'd make for a whole week's labor at the store I was at before. At the end of this month I finally move out of my parents and closer to campus. I was about to start up yoga and swimming again in an effort to get toned and sexy again. School hadn't killed me; I managed all A's for the semester. I was also gearing up to pur...

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who offered help, showed support, and otherwise responded so warmly to Sunday's post about Cali . I've continued doing what I can to make things as easy and pleasant for her. Today I figured out how to give her both of her meds--the bluey liquid stuff and the half pill. (It was the pill that was tough to figure out...cat owners will probably know what I'm talking about.) In the last day or so, I've been partly heartened by people's feedback, but mostly by improvement she's shown--however marginal. She seems to be responding well to the meds (and the TLC :-) ); she's actually been eating and getting perkier. She's taken to sleeping on my pillow next to my head while I sleep. This morning when I got up, she did part of her little flirty-thing--where she gives you these eyes and then rolls over with a chortle. I almost melted: it was so encouraging & heartwarming to see she  isn't just a shell, a wor...

No need for a clever title--my cat Cali is dying. I should have known it--even a rotten tooth or jaw couldn't really account for  this much weight loss--but it took a visit to the vet to find out. She has a "growth", a "mass", in her stomach. The vet put her money on lymphoma but whatever it is Cali probably doesn't have too much longer. She's 8 1/2 years old, and very sick. Even if we could fork over the thousands and thousands for a full run of treatment--surgery and chemo--she probably wouldn't live for even another year, maybe not even half that. We've gone the mostly humane, cost-effective route. (God, that's hard to justify....) She's on cortisone right now and some pill; or some bluey stuff and a pill-form of cortisone. Whichever. They're meant to ease her pain and bring bck some of her appetite (the growth in her belly is probably causing her severe feelings of nausea/fullness). I need to call the vet. I don't wan...