My urge to poeticize this is pretty intense, however my thoughts are scattered.
So there's very few people I actually despise; at the moment only one really comes to mind. The other day a boy I've really liked for a long while now--with whom I used to hook up & hang out with adorably quite a bit--informed me he was gonna go sex about with this faggot I dislike.
Naturally there was quite a flurry of feelings--hurt, anger, resentment, etc. Of course it's not like I have exclusive rights to the boy I've liked; he/we drifted hard and fast last spring and both of us have seen plenty of other people. Of course, logic like that means little when you feel hurt.
I think some of the anger came from his even telling me. Why on earth would I want to know this! I like him and hate the faggot he hooked up with; there's nothing about that equation that equals 'wants to know'. I was also angry (and hurt) that it felt like he was telling me, "No, I don't want you.", that if given a choice he'd choose someone else over me. It's not like i've pined and cried after him for months, but it's hard to shake liking someone when it reaches a certain point, and so it's hard not to feel hurt and angry when they don't want you--not even to hang out with nevermind fuck to oblivion.
(Of course, I was angry at that skank, the one I dislike so much, because he's never shown such outright interest in me! Which is funny since I'd never hook up with him; it's just the principle of it.)
And of course I resented them both. I already resented the other faggot, the one I dislike so much, and so I only resented him more. "Why does he get to have him??" But I also resented the one I like; I have always resented him and this just focused those sentiments to a point. I've harbored some degree of resentment ever since things didn't work out/go further between us.
It's all so foolish, though. None of it matters. If he doesn't want me, then he doesn't want me, and I can't change that, and I'm the one getting so fussed up over it. If that other faggot pisses me off, I'm the one who lets it get to me. All this drama-rama only serves to preclude a friendship with either of them--hell, even that faggot has to have something to offer, if only accidental lulz.
And I still like this boy. Not like, "Ooo, I want to date him naaao!!" or shit; it's just that unshakable liking--caring. But if I can't just like him, and accept liking him, for liking him's sake; if I can't just hang out with him for hanging out's sake; and i let my diseased brain extrapolate all manner of shoulds and oughts--we should be dating, he ought to see how much I care about him--; then I'll only end up hurting myself, him, anyone, everyone. For fuck's sake, who wants to date someone who writes emo blogposts about you??
So there's very few people I actually despise; at the moment only one really comes to mind. The other day a boy I've really liked for a long while now--with whom I used to hook up & hang out with adorably quite a bit--informed me he was gonna go sex about with this faggot I dislike.
Naturally there was quite a flurry of feelings--hurt, anger, resentment, etc. Of course it's not like I have exclusive rights to the boy I've liked; he/we drifted hard and fast last spring and both of us have seen plenty of other people. Of course, logic like that means little when you feel hurt.
I think some of the anger came from his even telling me. Why on earth would I want to know this! I like him and hate the faggot he hooked up with; there's nothing about that equation that equals 'wants to know'. I was also angry (and hurt) that it felt like he was telling me, "No, I don't want you.", that if given a choice he'd choose someone else over me. It's not like i've pined and cried after him for months, but it's hard to shake liking someone when it reaches a certain point, and so it's hard not to feel hurt and angry when they don't want you--not even to hang out with nevermind fuck to oblivion.
(Of course, I was angry at that skank, the one I dislike so much, because he's never shown such outright interest in me! Which is funny since I'd never hook up with him; it's just the principle of it.)
And of course I resented them both. I already resented the other faggot, the one I dislike so much, and so I only resented him more. "Why does he get to have him??" But I also resented the one I like; I have always resented him and this just focused those sentiments to a point. I've harbored some degree of resentment ever since things didn't work out/go further between us.
It's all so foolish, though. None of it matters. If he doesn't want me, then he doesn't want me, and I can't change that, and I'm the one getting so fussed up over it. If that other faggot pisses me off, I'm the one who lets it get to me. All this drama-rama only serves to preclude a friendship with either of them--hell, even that faggot has to have something to offer, if only accidental lulz.
And I still like this boy. Not like, "Ooo, I want to date him naaao!!" or shit; it's just that unshakable liking--caring. But if I can't just like him, and accept liking him, for liking him's sake; if I can't just hang out with him for hanging out's sake; and i let my diseased brain extrapolate all manner of shoulds and oughts--we should be dating, he ought to see how much I care about him--; then I'll only end up hurting myself, him, anyone, everyone. For fuck's sake, who wants to date someone who writes emo blogposts about you??