palmerpink

Things are slow sometimes; sometimes it's hard to see any changes at all. It's especially easy to overlook them when you doubt them regularly. But how much does worrying get you? I like talking big changes. Sometimes I'll break them out and talk myself into thinking it's all terribly easy, then let myself down anyway with a monumental lack of motivation. I've had better luck with aiming for smaller changes. Like, I've had "job look" in my to do list for an age and a half or so now, roughly meaning "look for/at job possibilities". Granted it can be pretty simple depending on interpretation--like, look on craigslist and see what there is that sounds reasonable. I've even done it a couple times and felt both bucked up and let down. Because even then, but especially in more broad implementation, there are other steps in "job look" that I have to get organized. And that can be scary. But even in that, I can try marshalling it alon...

Friday, I wrote about how bad April is for me . The last couple of days have, in their moments, continued to remind me why. Partly, it's a mean game I play with/on myself. Slight obsessiveness mixed with loneliness and indecisiveness. I've had an especially hard time shaking it this week. Like, there's this one guy I've known for a long, long time. And really liked him pretty much all along, too. Not just because he's oh-so-fuckable but out of legit respect for his mind and personality and so on. I think he's just awesome, but I don't know if he even knows I'm "here". You know, like that . I mean, I imagine he must know I like him. ...right? But it's like he looks right through me half the time--or is he just playing really really coy with me? Other times...he seems almost annoyed with me. But maybe he's busy. And what about those times he seems to set aside other goings on to talk to me? Can you tell I think about this way to...

So, despite that positive, proactive mood I mentioned the other day , I gave into some rude urges to be irresponsible last night. My Rocky Horror cast was having a meeting, and I'd even told them I'd be there. And then I didn't go. It started as just "going in late" and ended up "not going at all". This usually means something's up in my head. It's straight up avoidance, my favorite coping mechanism. Evasive action! There's usually some chain reaction of worry leading up to this kind of behavior. Sometimes big things, sometimes little, but essentially I'm trying to avoid having to feel anxious about something . I'm not sure what it was this time. I mean, I have a couple strong suspicions that I'm reluctant to admit to. There's the ever worrying money situation. Haven't moved forward with that loan consolidation in weeks. What's weird though is yesterday I actually did make some progress with it. Maybe that m...

My urge to poeticize this is pretty intense, however my thoughts are scattered. So there's very few people I actually despise; at the moment only one really comes to mind. The other day a boy I've really liked for a long while now--with whom I used to hook up & hang out with adorably quite a bit--informed me he was gonna go sex about with this faggot I dislike.