palmerpink

Asking for help can be tough, but sometimes tougher still is figuring out what to ask for. I'm sitting outside my therapist's office before my appointment. And I keep wondering--what am I going to talk about? It's more a "where do I start...?" than a "what is there to say...?" situation, but either way it comes down to needing helping and wanting help but not being totally sure how to ask for it. There is some major (or at least majorly frustrating) dysfunction in my brain; of this much I'm certain. I'm not sure, though, where it's tripping me up or how it manages to trick me every time. So how do I ask for help? What am I asking for? It's rather a tricky trouble. I suppose I could focus on specific frustrations of the week, then talk with him of ways of approaching them differently, etc. But it isn't just with him I need to work on asking for help. I have other resources I don't (adequately, responsibly) take advantage of. Fr...

Things are slow sometimes; sometimes it's hard to see any changes at all. It's especially easy to overlook them when you doubt them regularly. But how much does worrying get you? I like talking big changes. Sometimes I'll break them out and talk myself into thinking it's all terribly easy, then let myself down anyway with a monumental lack of motivation. I've had better luck with aiming for smaller changes. Like, I've had "job look" in my to do list for an age and a half or so now, roughly meaning "look for/at job possibilities". Granted it can be pretty simple depending on interpretation--like, look on craigslist and see what there is that sounds reasonable. I've even done it a couple times and felt both bucked up and let down. Because even then, but especially in more broad implementation, there are other steps in "job look" that I have to get organized. And that can be scary. But even in that, I can try marshalling it alon...

So the last couple posts weren't made from your conventional kind of computer. No, they were written on what experts call a "tablet". That's right, kids. I did it. I got my tablet. :) I opted for the Asus Transformer Prime--it's glorious. I love the keyboard dock--it's what I'm typing with, and what's extending my battery enough to even allow me to type this. Cuz, you know, I'd been playing so many games that it that the tablet's battery was about to die. What's nice is how long its battery does last--even without the extra battery in the dock. Also nice is how long my phone's battery can last now that i'm not using it to play games, type blogs, or check my calendar (or when there's wifi, watching youtube and hulu and stuff). I take it with me on all my lunch breaks, yeah to play games, but also, in the last few days, to catch up on the news and opinions and analysis of the day or continue reading some book on Kindle. Frankly...

I hate being sick more than just about anything I can imagine. Nothing can match the frustration and furious feverings, nor the lost time and energy. I love a good excuse to nap as much as anyone, of course, but tossing and turning between coughing fits and flashes of fever & chills is not cool . Then there's that fuzzy headed acheyness when your cranium gets all full up on phlegm and mucous. That soggy brained feeling mixed with a dull, ceaseless pain. Don't get me started on how much I hate snot in any form--a hatred conditioned over many years of terrible allergies. But let's not forget that infuriating uselessness--between losing the ability to form contiguous (nevermind cohesive) thoughts to the leaden ache in every joint and limb...how are you supposed get anything done like that?? But of course that's just it. Everyone stops expecting you to be a productive member of society when you're sick. Which you'd think would be some kind of blessing except ...

So I didn't want to go out the other day. I had off and told myself I wanted to do laundry, as I've done I now realize so many times before. It's a tempting fantasy, you know? The intention of doing right, of being responsible. There's a weak but still gratifying sense of accomplishment in saying "I'm going to do ____" or "I'm going to be responsible today..." . Even if you don't end up doing it at all. Even when you don't end up doing anything at all. Part of why my friends held an intervention for me was they wanted me to know I'm not alone; that I have people and resources to help me. Lord knows I have spent more than enough time trying to do or change things wholly on my own and never gotten anywhere nor even learned from that. I just keep going at it as self-sufficiently as I can and not getting anywhere by it. So when Parker asked me to go see our therapist yesterday, I realized what I'd done the day before. I'd t...

Yesterday three of the people closest to me spoke with me about their concerns. I'll admit, they were my concerns also. But it felt so compelling to hear them say the same things I'd been saying to myself--only now with much less snark and sarcasm and deprecation as I'd used. They were concerned with things like my life's lack of order, goals, self-respect, and other stuff. Some things I hadn't quite gotten around to beating myself up over but hearing their concern was no less compelling because of that. Like personal hygiene. How often on days off I'll just forego a shower here or there. (It's my day off, I can be a dirty bum right?? Except that, more often than not, it's part of something broader and even less savory--a general lack of drive, self-respect, and ambition for the day. So I guess they had a point in bringing it up, eh?) They also wanted me to know they're there to help. That's kinda a terrifying offer for me; I guess I'm stil...

Mornings are a very dangerous time. At least, that's what I've found. For me a simple poor morning choice or two can decide the quality and satisfaction of the rest of the day. It's nuts, but it's been hard to counteract so far. I'm sure this is in my top three most redundant and boring post topics, but alas it's what's on my mind today. I'll try to post about something more interesting later on--you know, like, about plants or something. I'll focus on days off since they're the most dramatic example, and today we're not interested in the ordinary. So, whether I end up spending a day doing laundry and working out and other gratifying things/chores or whether I waste it sleeping and masturbating and internetting mindlessly seems to come down to what commitments I make in the AM hours. Like, today, I slept in a bit, sure, but then I decided to do things. Like blog and check on bills and drink coffee and workout. Likely I'll continue w...