palmerpink

So Parker sent me a super concerned email last night. Apparently I've been really letting him down lately. Can't say I'm too surprised. Let's face it: I've been anxious/depressed for at least 2 or 3 weeks now. I'm not even sure why. Maybe because it's February. Maybe it's those goddamnedfuckingshitlicking loans. Maybe it's having to look for another job. Again. Maybe it's feeling like a useless sack of-- {breathe, breathe...} I can't say I'm too happy with myself either. I've been giving over to 'self-will' so much lately, it's shameful. Naturally, I'm feeling more than a little guilty and stupid and weak, but--as usual--I'm much too prideful to dare admit it or ask for help. It's a fun position to wedge oneself into, I can tell ya that. One of the tricky, cruel things about self-will is how self ish it is. (Haha! See how clever that was!? Oy.) I tend to hurt the people I love and who love me. Like Par...

I'm afraid I'm turning boring. I swear I was hanging out with a guy last week and the most impressive thing I could do was explain the subtleties of American Eagle's customer service policies. Today I meandered the internet aimlessly in search of porn and pointedly avoiding certain chores. I haven't watched Doctor Who since the Christmas special; and even besides that I've let my catching up on old Doctor episodes fall by the wayside. I feel like the only thing I do besides work and meetings is sleep. And jackoff. And blog. That might make me a little more interesting. What's frustrating is today I had a choice. I realized it in all its plainness and choiceyness. I could either take right action or nap. I napped. The good news is it's getting harder to resist facing that choice. Something in me is changing. I just wish I didn't feel so boring while I wait for it to happen.