palmerpink

So I didn't want to go out the other day. I had off and told myself I wanted to do laundry, as I've done I now realize so many times before. It's a tempting fantasy, you know? The intention of doing right, of being responsible. There's a weak but still gratifying sense of accomplishment in saying "I'm going to do ____" or "I'm going to be responsible today..." . Even if you don't end up doing it at all. Even when you don't end up doing anything at all. Part of why my friends held an intervention for me was they wanted me to know I'm not alone; that I have people and resources to help me. Lord knows I have spent more than enough time trying to do or change things wholly on my own and never gotten anywhere nor even learned from that. I just keep going at it as self-sufficiently as I can and not getting anywhere by it. So when Parker asked me to go see our therapist yesterday, I realized what I'd done the day before. I'd t...

Yesterday three of the people closest to me spoke with me about their concerns. I'll admit, they were my concerns also. But it felt so compelling to hear them say the same things I'd been saying to myself--only now with much less snark and sarcasm and deprecation as I'd used. They were concerned with things like my life's lack of order, goals, self-respect, and other stuff. Some things I hadn't quite gotten around to beating myself up over but hearing their concern was no less compelling because of that. Like personal hygiene. How often on days off I'll just forego a shower here or there. (It's my day off, I can be a dirty bum right?? Except that, more often than not, it's part of something broader and even less savory--a general lack of drive, self-respect, and ambition for the day. So I guess they had a point in bringing it up, eh?) They also wanted me to know they're there to help. That's kinda a terrifying offer for me; I guess I'm stil...

I skipped work yesterday. There, I said it. I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't want to leave the house somehow. Or maybe I was sick of responsibilities. I'm sure some filaments of anxiety were woven into it. It was like a spinny angry mess in my head, but maybe less severe than that sounds. Much less severe, to be sure, than times past. Certain questions and hounding thoughts pressed on through the day. 'What am I doing with my life?' 'What happened to the things I love?' 'I don't want to do this anymore.' 'I'm never gonna move out of this place.' 'What do I really want?' Maybe, in staying home, I was hiding from these things. At home, in my room, in my bed, I have things--tried and true, however abused--to distract myself from my somewhat OCD like worrying. I have, at the least, a false sense of control. In those times past when my worrying and anxiety got really bad, I would hole up here, withdrawn from everything th...

Wait, what was I supposed to be doing, again....? Showering? Vacuuming? Making myself a (healthy) dinner? Finishing the laundry? Stripping my bed and remaking it...? Getting my student loans consolidated.....? Oh, wait, that's right. I'm blogging.

So I hadda epxlain to Parker what "bargle" meant/was from . Apparently I hadn't. lulz. For the record, I love that entire comic/project. Those guys are/were nuts and I kinda wanna be like them when I grow up... Anyway, onto the point.....

I "couldn't" get to sleep until 3 and regained consciousness about half an hour ago. Goddamnit, haha. I'd love to beat off but my roommate's asleep just over yonder. I think it'd feel kinda weird. Oh well, if I ever date someone with a cum fetish, they'll be happy if this keeps up.... XD MEANWHILE I've been really good. My biggest dilemma is what to do if I get that office job (my therapist and sponsor both made really good arguments for it...between the hours and the pay I'm starting to agree with them more and more...). "o exploitablez!  i can haz 2 jobs--but which should I take??" As ever, that's all assuming I even get the job. But really...as I shared at my sort-of home group last night, it's kinda hard to believe, you know? Only a few months ago, when I was still pretty new in the program, I came to the brink of wanting to hurt myself. I'd spent so many years avoiding so many responsibilities and any accountabil...

I've been down the last couple of weeks. It was really bad about 3 weeks ago but then "seemed" to go away only to come back really subtly in the last week or so. More of a listlessness & malaise this week. Not helpful. All the same, I "helped" my bestfriend May get a job and start thinking about apartments and now that's got  me all motivated. So even despite my malaisey-listlessness, I've managed to be somewhat productive this week. I actually applied to some places and even contemplated driving practice with mom. w0wza. Despite today's late start (noon? really??) I'm determined to apply to at least a handful more places and actually figure out this whole resume business. Maybe even do some driving if it stops raining.... 0.o

Yesterday was crap, mostly. A couple friends came over the night before and we were up until ungodly hours playing videogames and eating frozen pizza. I spent most of the day sleeping. I'd get up, eat a leftover slice of pizza, smoke, then go back to sleep. So productive. I just felt low all day, a subtle weight. I wanted to get some stuff done but it was too hot out and I felt no motivation anyway. Today I'm trying a suggestion my psychiatrist made a while back, see how that goes. In lighter news, I'm going to see Interpol tonight :D fucking STOKED. as you can see from my last.fm , which has been a bit fucked over due to technical issues with song submission, Interpol's a beloved of mine. (Really they should be up at 4th place, but I haven't been able to scrobble my ipod properly in a long while....) Part of me feels a little guilty--it keeps nagging, "Have you really  earned this...?"--but I know I'd regret missing the opportunity due to indec...

So, as I was saying yesterday, it's been kind of a bummer week for me. But yesterday I went at it anyway--did my prayers, got dressed, and did what I needed to do, mostly. I ate, I wrote, I did my to-do list, I watered the plants, I walked the dog, I called my sponsor, I tended the vegetables, I mowed the front lawn, I turned the compost, I deadheaded perennials, I emptied the dishwasher, I filled the dishwasher, and so on. All in all it was only 2 and a half hours...still, I suppose I should focus on the accomplishment more than the time for now, though generally I'd aim for 3 or 4 hours a day during the week, fewer if I've worked on the weekends. The highlight of the day, though, was after my Friday night meeting a close friend of my sponsor and mine--who usually comes off somewhat prudish--said I looked so good he could almost thirteenth step me on the spot. Hellz yeah. It's funny cuz I'd dressed more conservatively than usual--bright limey green polo tucked ...

The last week was pretty rough on me. I'm not entirely sure why. I was just....subtley down. Unmotivated. Lethargic. I felt like nothing was going anywhere and like I was just stuck. Suffice to say, I didn't get much done that week. While I'd fairly easily managed almost 50 hours working for my grandmother in Connecticut, I struggled to break 10 once I was back home. This week, though, I'm making an effort to keep moving forward even if I'm down. And it's been working pretty well. :) Also, my vegetable garden is fucking EPIC :D I'm so proud of the damn thing. Yeah, bitches, I built that :P It's prolly even more epic now, I'll hafta take new pics. I'll also have to post pics of the lake/lakehouse--I got some really lovely ones :)