palmerpink

Needless to say, only a few of things I set out for myself to do Saturday actually got done/worked on. I'm not exactly surprised nor guilted, but something occurred to me this morning. Part of my problem is, and has always been, putting enjoyments before responsibilities instead of earning them through responsible decisions & progress. Like, that night last week where I did all that laundry and polished my shoes and felt kinda normal; when I made the to-do list at work that day I committed myself to accomplishing most or all of it before I could even touch  my computer. I decided that I would have to earn the right to goof off on the computer by taking care of (long overdue) chores. And it actually worked. Heck, I wasn't even worrying too much about all the computer game playing time or masturbation I was missing out on while I did my laundry, and I hardly even worried about it after I was done, too. And most importantly: a very large amount of my laundry was actually ...

I skipped work yesterday. There, I said it. I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't want to leave the house somehow. Or maybe I was sick of responsibilities. I'm sure some filaments of anxiety were woven into it. It was like a spinny angry mess in my head, but maybe less severe than that sounds. Much less severe, to be sure, than times past. Certain questions and hounding thoughts pressed on through the day. 'What am I doing with my life?' 'What happened to the things I love?' 'I don't want to do this anymore.' 'I'm never gonna move out of this place.' 'What do I really want?' Maybe, in staying home, I was hiding from these things. At home, in my room, in my bed, I have things--tried and true, however abused--to distract myself from my somewhat OCD like worrying. I have, at the least, a false sense of control. In those times past when my worrying and anxiety got really bad, I would hole up here, withdrawn from everything th...

I'm tired-ish. Kinda wanna workout. Severely bored. Still stuck on train for at least 10mins. Dance party? Hm, maybe next time. Still, I hate feeling restless. It's really very not good for me. I do stupid shit when I'm feeling restless. Like blow off 9hours solid on.....well, not just internet porn........ Stop judging me, I'm tired. At least I did something responsible tonight and feel oodles better for it. Still....amidst the modest sense of accomplishment lurks/lingers a rude restlessness. Urging me. To what is unclear, but it's there, like a little itch at the back of my head. (That was half a reference to/rip off of a Doctor Who line. Sex favors for anyone who figures out what episode and context it's been removed from.) Anyway, I got the Bad Movie Monday out remarkably on time this week. The only reason it wasn't posted last night was I still had to figure out which screen caps to use. And then I stayed at work until 2am instead of a health...