palmerpink

So I was a dick last night and actually hadn't meant to be, for once.  So my friend posted a video from his birthday in which his dad playfully wished him happy birthday with a little sign. Super cute, really; I frankly loved it. But in teasing about how the sign revealed my friend's age, I may have referred to his father as "dis bitch". Read "may have" as "did". My friend brought this faux pas to my attention with a graceful and simple and unaccusing assertiveness; realizing my bad, I immediately owned it and apologized for it in what may have been my most mature and honest apologies ever. He forgave me, and all should be well. But I'm still very mad at myself. My head is all a jumble over this. I'm pretty angry with myself, and I'm angry for being angry with myself. I can't seem to let it go and move on. And I'm mad at myself for a bunch of reasons and in a bunch of ways. Trying to sort those out and find an honest, so...

Right now, I feel like I'm running around trying to do all kindsa things I think I want to do and think I need to do, while unsure what I actually want or need. It ends up a noncommital mess of half-assery instead of any of the useful things I'd wanted in the first place. Of course, I'm exaggerating, somewhat. In reality, the bulk of it is confined to looking for jobs, considering school, and weighing moving out. And it's the how's and when's, as well as the which and which nots. Do I really want to saddle up the responsibility of going back to school right after starting a a new job? Is moving out of my parents' basement with its marginal rent and into a real place with real rent at the same time as incurring more student loan debt really that good of a plan? But these are things that, if artificially, would move my life forward. And it's felt ungratifyingly stuck in one place for much too long--my patience is running out, which is probably the worst f...

I don't want you getting the wrong idea, of course. Yes, last night's post was probably angstier than necessary, but really I'm fine. Considering how much worse I could have bitched & angsted (and, in the past, have been known to), it was a pretty mellow post. I usually avoid too much angst--and certainly too much finger pointing--as it rarely helps. It usually only ends up making me look whiney and lame. Not sexy. The title referred to that--that the post could have been so much worse. It also referred to the fact this guy was a pretty good find--heartening evidence that there are good guys out there I get along with. It may not have worked out quite to my liking, but frankly, it was still kinda a win. I think what really had me more upset was that I didnt' need to feel so upset and knew as much but still felt upset somehow. Besides being counterproductive, I knew feeling so frustrated was largely unwarranted. And yet my emotional mind often wins over my other...

I'm hoping if I schedule this for late at night no one will read it. Because obviously I still have to blog it. The place I'm in emotionally and stuff is a lot better than it has been recently. I'm not as angry or sad, just disgruntled and restless. Of course, I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling and certainly not why. I do know some sticking points my mood catches on and can't always shake itself free of. For one, a lack of friends. Like, there are the people I work with and the people I do Rocky with and the people I chat with online now and then, and, yeah, I suppose they count as some kinda friends. But I'm not sure how many of them or to what extent I can consider them friends . I don't think I can count more than a couple people--and I mean  a couple --I actually hang out with, regularly or otherwise. Of course, numbers are the silver bullet to any sense of a social life, but I think there's a point in there. For two, neglecting my writ...

I"m not sure what's wrong with me these days. Lately I've been getting progressively lazier, fatter, and surlier. And, no sir, I don't like it one bit. And the irksome thing is I know there are some perfectly good solutions and ways to put things on the mend , I've just been neglecting them.