palmerpink

My fixations are powerful, but they can also be maddeningly ephemeral and fleeting. And I hate that; about them and, honestly, about myself. But I’ve never really  asked why I feel that way... I'll commit immense amounts of time and energy and even money to a fixation for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, sometimes rebranding my whole personality around it, then just...move on. I'm not sure when I first noticed this pattern—if it was always there or if it emerged and intensified over time—but it's been part of me for a long while. And every time I do, I feel such guilt and shame. Who even am I if I can't be consistent, dedicated, substantive? How disingenuous is it that nothing I care about lasts? I’ve always just accepted those feelings; I’ve never poked at them in earnest. If you can’t tell from the recent flurry of activity on this blog, I have been fixated on blogging; I mentioned in a recent post about this blog that I had a compulsion to revamp the whole bl...

I’d consider myself very online; Facebook, Insta, and Twitter, the latter more recently replaced with Bluesky. And yet I’ve never been tempted to engage in “Discourse.” “Discourse” probably means different things to different folks, but from what I’ve observed it's online discussion that can often end up heated, vitriolic, and even toxic. And some people thrive on it—on putting people in their place, one-upping each other rhetorically, and being “right” all the time. But not me. Maybe I’m too weak willed or easily flustered or conflict averse, or maybe I just don’t need it to enjoy the internet on my own terms. Instead, I trade in memes and affirmation: I love being silly and supportive with my friends because that makes me happy. I can’t speak to why people go headfirst into Discourse on a daily basis (they sound exhausted by it a lot of the time, tbh), but I also won’t judge them for it. I do know, tho, it’s not for me or and isn't how I use social media. On Twitter—which us...